Post by jmonttwizted on Dec 15, 2022 3:40:18 GMT
[December 29th, 2022 will mark the day for one of the biggest events in all of sports and entertainment. Taking place live at the IIW arena in Manchester, the IIW brings to you the Ice Crown Championship. 30 individuals battling it out for a chance to face the World Champion. Out with the old and in with the new. Last year's winner, Ada Pierce has elected not to take part this time around. And that is probably a smart move based on all the new talent in this year's event.]
The Rink at Rockefeller Center
50th and 49th Streets
New York, NY 10020
[The time is about 9pm and winds are about 7 miles per hour northwest. The temperature has dropped to 29 degrees and will only get colder. Everyone that is skating around, is all bundled up to prevent themselves from getting the flu or hypothermia. But there is one man, who just seems to not give a damn about the cold temperatures. He is skating around the rink with just a pair of basketball shorts on. No hat, shirt, scarf, coat or gloves. And from the look of those tattoos on both arms and upper back, there could be only one man who is TWIZTED enough to attempt this.]
[If you guessed J Mont, you get to move 2 spaces and collect 200 bucks. But what is this crazy man out to prove by doing this? I guess we are about to find out as J Mont is flying around the corner like he is Jaromir Jagr on skates. J Mont is approaching the door that is closed on the rink. Not stopping, but instead coming full speed ahead like a bull after a red flag. And then all of a sudden, J Mont does a snowplough stop. Ice shoots everywhere, but J Mont is safe and sound. He opens the door, and walks with the skates on over to the closest bench.]
J Mont: I know everyone probably thinks I'm acting like Pookie from New Jack City, but there is a method to my madness. When I found out about this Ice Crown Championship, I knew this was the step I needed to get closer to that World Championship. I'm more concerned about the negative 10 degree weather that is going to be in Manchester, than the 29 other people. That is why I'm out here, doing what I'm doing to get my body ready for what is in store. Fighting is easy, but dealing with the ARCTIC is another thing.
[Sitting down on the bench, J Mont leans down and unlaces one of the skates and pulls it off. He does the same thing with the other one. J Mont places both skates on the bench next to him and now he is just sitting there like he is trying to collect a tan on this cold evening.]
J Mont: I know right now, there is not a single soul in this rumble that is thinking like I am. You have to have a plan for all avenues. You have to factor everything into the equation. You have the temperature that is going to play a big part. I'm getting ready for that right now. You have 29 other participants you have to study up on. That is worse than a midterm in advanced physics. You have to plan a strategy because you are going to have someone coming at you from north, south, east and west. And especially in my shoes since I have one of the biggest mouths in the IIW. But since I arrived here in September, I have done nothing but back up all that bark. And i plan on staying undefeated, so that means i have to win the whole fuckin thing as Jake Taylor from Major League would say.
[You can tell J Mont is really trying to stay mentally strong right now because the winds are starting to pick up a little.]
J Mont: At the end of the day, you have to block everything out and get the job done. I’m going to be mentally and physically prepared for what is about to go down. There is a lot of familiar faces i see that have signed up and a bunch that i could give two fucks about. But all 29 entrants are about to get schooled and learn some valuable lessons from J Mont. Class is now in session.
[J Mont gets up from the bench, and grabs the skates. He proceeds over to the counter, which is not far away and drops them off. The woman behind the counter just shakes her head but she loves what she sees. J Mont then starts to walk back over to the wall as he watches others just skate away enjoying themselves.]
J Mont: The physics behind ice skating comes down to analyzing the movement of skates over the ice. So, now that class is in session, it's time to teach the rest of you 29 schmucks a thing or 2.
[J Mont cracks his knuckles as he is about to get down to business.]
J Mont: I am mathematically going to win this rumble. I have it all figured out already and if you bare with me, I will explain why it's going to happen. You have 30 participants and if you subtract 29, that leaves you with 1. And I am going to be the ONE. I know I have a battle to get there, but who is really going to stop me?
[J Mont takes a deep breath.]
J Mont: A man from Ireland who already failed at his latest attempt? He is going to need a 4 leaf clover and an ocean of luck to beat me. Or the guy that is from the smallest state of Rhode Island? Or better yet, the guy who is from The Mountain State? Maybe it could be the guy from Minnesota where Brandon Walsh moved away from. Or just be the guy that is from nowhere. That’s a good one isn't it? Or maybe the guy from Massachusetts where the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in Plymouth? And thank god for the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport being one of the busiest airports. We are going to need that to send those 4 fools back to Georgia. And hopefully after I eliminate the guy from the Netherlands, there are no hard feelings and he gets me some good cheese from the markets out there. And if you didn't know, now you know that the fortune cookie was made in California. I am going to hand out 1 fortune cookie for the 4 people from California because their fortunes are all going to be the same. Over the top rope you guys go. And I know of 3 out of the 67 million people in the United Kingdom that are wasting their time trying to take me out. I'm going to JKO their heads off harder than David Beckham kicking a soccer ball. And I'm going to send the one douche from Florida packing and back home so he can eat some key lime pie. And you have this one guy from Texas who thinks he is going to win just like every year the Dallas Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl. Get on your cattle and get the fuck out of here. And I wonder if the guy from Mexico even understands any English. But the best part is, that he only needs to know 3 letters. JKO!
[J Mont takes another deep breath because he's been on a roll.]
J Mont: And you think I'm going to lose to someone who is from the Beehive State? My right hand to their face is going to be stinging them for weeks. And if you know about France, then you know their supermarkets cannot throw away food, but I'm definitely throwing the French over the top ropes. And then you have Tennessee where Elvis is from and the birthplace of Mountain Dew. Great stuff, but it sucks they have someone representing them that just won't get the job done. And I know the guy from Arizona is gonna try their best to take me down, but they are also going to feel the effects of the JKO and end up in the Grand Canyon. And the North Carolina resident should find a family member of the Wright Brothers and prepare for their flight home on the Kitty Hawk because failure is in their future too. Which leaves me to the last place which is very big in my heart. New York City. There are 4 of us claiming to be from New York, but you have 3 posers who are better off doing a remake of the TV show Three's Company. Come and knock on my door and get knocked the fuck out. Everyone knows I am the King of New York and I will make sure you 3 never make it back.
[J Mont starts to get a little irritated because of how people try to represent New York City but they are a bunch of bitches.]
J Mont: And class continues as we move on to math. I know a lot of you douchebags cant add, subtract, multiply or divide, but don't you worry. That is what I am here for. I'm going to teach you everything that you need to know and why I am going to win this rumble and not you. The formula for success is simple. We have 30 participants including myself. As you saw earlier, people from all over the map. But now, we are focusing on the numbers. After looking over everyone involved and checking out their height, weight, age and hometown, it was simple. My math teacher would be so proud of me after I show you guys just who is going to win the Ice Crown Championship. The Average Height for everyone is 6 Feet Tall. The Average Weight for everyone is 223 Pounds and the Average Age for everyone is 30 years old. So does that mean that the winner of this Rumble is going to be….
6 Feet Tall and Weigh 223 pounds and only be 30 years old?
J Mont: If that is what you think, then you are wrong and you get an F. The winner of this rumble after looking over all the statistics and formulas is going to be….
6 Foot 5 Inches Tall and Weigh 255 Pounds and be 42 Years Old!!!!!
[J Mont starts to look around at his surroundings but then realizes something.]
J Mont: Oh shit! That is ME! Pay attention everyone. J Mont will not be stopped. I am already living in all of your heads rent free. There is nothing for you guys to collect on December 29th other than being a witness to J Mont standing tall and finally getting his chance at the World Title. Ada Pierce is lucky she bitched out or she would have been a part of this equation as well. Obstacles wont stop me. Problems wont stop me. And most of all, none of you will stop me. The only person that can stop me, is ME and that wont happen. So, soak all of that up bitches and try to balance your strategies like a checkbook, but it will all bounce on you. J Mont is the new face of the IIW. Get used to things getting TWIZTED now.
[J Mont, with his usual evil smirk begins to walk away from the wall and towards the exit way. Good luck to anyone trying to EXIT J MONT out of the rumble. And with that, the shirtless King is gone as we fade to black.]