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Post by Shaun Hart on Oct 3, 2022 23:30:00 GMT
After advancing to the second round and now with the Tag Team Titles up for grabs both teams look to walk out that much closer to Gold and prove they are the ebst tag team on the planet)
Match One 2nd Round of The World Cup Tag Team Tournament Tag Team Tables Match Rhett Dawson & Sawyer Wade( ATG) vs No Good Bastards
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Post by "The Maestro" Rhett Dawson on Oct 7, 2022 17:34:14 GMT
The sun broke above the horizon as it rose high over the tropical tree line of the private Island that was set to host the Carter Invitational. The northern beach is host of a large luxury resort it is here that you can see a few dozen young up and coming wrestlers, staff and members of the sports media. The area is a buzz as we pull into the face of Jason Byrd, a tall broad shoulder man. The Ex pro wrestler never made it big in the ring but is now a house hold name amongst sports journalist in the industry, making as far as being the number one on location reporter for ESPN Wrestling division. He is dressed in one of his signature odd ball looks. This time it consist of a large straw hat and button up shirt with a streak of sunburn cream across his nose.
"Well Charley!," He boast loudly talking into the camera pointed at him as he addresses the ESPN anchor back at the studio "This has to be one of the finest assignments I have ever had. Not a sweaty locker room, or blood soaked ring, no as you can see if you look behind me I have some how landed myself in the midst of Paradise!,"
The Camera man pulls out and gets a panning view of the gorgeous scenery. At the forefront however can be seen several lesser known independent wrestlers all walking, talking and admiring some large looking structures. Obstacle course type thing, some look simple like a track or amateur wrestling circle. Others however more complex like something that might be seen on American Ninja Warrior or an old episode of American Gladiator.
"But as you can see there is more than meets the eye here. This is the 10th annual Carter Invitational. An event that sends out very select invites to only the most prestigious Independent wrestlers. Young stars that are about to burst onto the pro scene in one of the major promotions! This event much like the NFL combine gives them a chance to show off their skills for the dozens of scouts in attendance. Like Pro Wrestling however these events are a lot more complex that it would appear, such as this one here..,"
He motions the camera over to his left, as the camera follows him we see a large man made Volcano. It is divided in 6 distinct areas all around with a large flag at the base of each area.
"This is known as The Blazing Pinnacle, a large man made volcano that the young men and women here will race up. It's similar to a rock climbing wall, however its over 200 feet high and while they are climbing will have large chunks of rock, smoke and other debris coming down at them. And this is just one event they will be expected to take part in. The contest itself instead of being one on one however will be divided into 6 teams each consisting of wrestlers from major schools, or promotions in the major independent circuits. Canada, Europe, Japan, Mexico, East US and West US. As the contestants from each team partake their team will gain points. The winning team taking home a nice cash prize as well as the attention of several big time promotions!,"
He looks up at The Blazing Pinnacle and sighs a bit in disbelief as he walks further to his left and continues to talk.
"Now the man behind this is simply known as Carter, one of the biggest names from the early 2000's in several East Coast promotions he now runs one of them most prestigious Wrestling Academies in the entire world. It's known as Carter Gardens, where he claims to grow super stars..,"
He nods in the direction of a Slender, Tall, black man. He looks to be past his prime with streams of grey in his hair an entirely grey beard. He smiles at Byrd as he approaches him.
"Mister Carter, I want to thank you for allowing me to come view this first hand and bring this magnificent event to the attention to our viewers. Now this is an event that has been going on for a decade or so but has been mostly under the radar to the general public. Up until now there has been no press allowed and only a few select promotions. This year on it's 10th anniversary you opened it up to any promotion with a national Television deal and representatives from all major media. What exactly changed your mind?,"
He smiled flashing off his pearly whites as he addresses first Byrd then the camera. "Jason, it has been a long time hasn't it? I see your still enjoying extra desert after dinner aren't you big guy,"
Both men chuckle a bit as his jab at Byrd's weight before Carter continues.
"This event has always been about giving the best talent in wrestling a chance to bring their brand to a larger audience. There are so many small promotions doing great work around this globe that it is hard for major promotions to keep an eye on them all. Ever since my retirement and investment in this school I have made it my life to do it, I know more that goes on in these small local companies that host a house of 300 then I do any major federation now a days. So I wanted to use that knowledge to gather the crème of the crop and give them a chance to make some real noise,"
Byrd nods his head as he listens to him answer, once Carter finishes he continues his questions.
"But what makes this year different? I men this has been the goal since year one if I understand correctly but this is the first year you have put such a big spotlight on the event, so what is your real motivation?,"
Carter grins a bit with a quick reply "I mean its the 10 year anniversary Jason. Are you implying something, if so just spit it out,"
"Well I guess I will," He replied "Not to step on any toes or anything here but the rumor is that you got a particular interest in it. I mean the word in the ring is that you are hoping to show off your newest batch of Carter Garden students. A rather talented bunch that have just signed a quarterly trail deal with IIW and their success during the last portion of 2022 determines if they are able to land a long term deal. So this is a way to show IIW what how lucky they are, and alternatively if they happen not to pick them up for a long term run you will be able to have a few other landing spots lined up already or at least some negotiation power to get them bigger contracts. That is shrewd Carter,"
Carter's grin is undeniable as he listens to Byrd dig in deep. HIs answer is direct and to the point.
"I have hosted this contest for 9 years without entering a team that is solely my talent. I have had a few people on different teams almost every year but yes, this year we have an ALMOST all Carter Gardens team representing the Eastern US. They still qualify for the event and if it is beneficial for them then that is what it is here for, do I expect them to win. Of course, they are my pupils. Would you like to meet them?,"
"Yes I would,"
Carter nods prompting Bryd and the Camera man to follow him a bit over a large obstacle course of some sort as he reaches the group of four young stars. They turn their attention to Carter as he addresses them.
"This is 'The Top Gun' Maverick Tatum, our premier tag team Against the Grain mister Rhett Dawson and Sawyer Wade. The young lady with them is Beckett Marisol. All of which have been given chances to get a grand future in the world class promotion IIW. All of them are featured on this up coming Mayhem in various degree of important matches, all of them already quickly working their way towards world title reigns,"
Byrd takes a moment to shake their hands, all of which do it willingly except Sawyer who stares at him a few moments before begrudgingly shaking his hand. He then ask another question.
"Now if my information is right, the teams are supposed to be five members? Who is your 5th?,"
As he ask the question you can see the faces of the group. Sawyer looks genuinely confused like he had no idea they were missing some one, while the other three look nervous about what is about to be said.
"Glad you asked Jason," Carter quickly replied "Our fifth member of the team is actually a very well respected champion. Straight out of Dade county the DCW Heavyweight Champion, The Buccaneer himself Jack Tyde..," He says and motions to the side pointing to the man who had been waiting for his que. He was tall, slender with long hair and a fancy pirate hat despite the tropical weather. He walks into the shot and gives Carter a big hand shake then turns to shake the hand of Jason Byrd. In the background you can see Sawyer's eyes grow wide and face turn a dark shade of red. Byrd directs his next question to Tyde.
"Jack Tyde, yes I have heard of you. Dade Championship Wrestling is a big deal in the Southeastern Market and you have had a dominate reign for almost two years now if I am right with only a handful of loses. However didn't you receive your most recent to one of your new team mates in this endeavor? The latest house show in DCW had you loose to Sawyer Wade with the help of his partner Rhett Dawson. How on earth do you plan to work with them after that,"
He smiles showing off a gold tooth in the front as he speaks "Aye Matey, these scoundrels did serve me up a proper arse whoopin. Still that is why the Captain has decide to board this vessel with this crew. You see I respect Carter, and I know he teaches his crew to scrub the deck and get ride of the trash with the best of them. If I plan to get any better I need to learn to plunder with this lot, so I have put me ego aside and went from Captain of DCW to the first mate of Carter Gardens team, at least for the next few days. ARG,"
"Well I know I will be hear covering it. So I look forward to seeing how things unfold,"
Carter interrupts him "We are glad to have you Jason but my team needs to take the next few hours to get ready for our first event. So if you would go enjoy the resort and be ready for the fun once it starts,"
"Of course Carter," he looks at the camera again "Well Charley you heard the man, I have a resort to enjoy back to you guys!,"
With that the camera cuts and Byrd shakes Carter's hand once again. The two exchange a few laughs as they walk off off to catch up on old times leaving just the ATG crew alone with Jack Tyde. The anger on Sawyer Wade's face was obvious and as soon as Carter is out of ear shot he doesn't hesitate to let it be known.
"You fucking weasel!," He shouts at Tyde "I don't know what your up to but I can't believe that Carter didn't tell us about this before hand. But don't you think me and Rhett will not hesitate to lay you open like we did last time we saw you!,"
"Matey," He protest but Sawyer cuts him off again
"Drop the stupid Pirate act," He turns to his team mates and continues to vent "Why would Carter not tell anyone, at least give us some sort of notice...,"
As he spoke he scanned over the faces of the rest of his team. The guilt was obvious, he pauses mid sentence before speaking a bit calmer "You mean to tell me you all knew this already,"
Beckett spoke up first "Rhett was supposed to tell you...,"
"Becks," Rhett exclaimed "I just found out too Wade, I haven't had time but it's not like he gave us a choice,"
"Really?," He took a breath and spoke between gritted teeth "We are finally seeing eye to eye, to think I thought I could trust you. You need to make up your mind if we are a team or not, because we are going into the first round of a tournament with gold at the end of the road and you can't figure out if your with me or part of some cosplay pirate crew!,"
"I am with you," Rhett explains "I even did some scouting on this team, I figured we could sit down and go over tape together this was dropped on me like hours ago I ..,"
"Come on Mates!," Tyde speaks up "Lets just discuss this like Civil Picaroons! We do have honor amongst..,"
Rhett turns now and almost shouts at Tyde "Seriously mate, drop the fucking routine before I drop you again,"
"Feel free to try your luck scoundrel!," Tyde rebuttals
"What?," Beckett interjects "Are you crazy we need to keep this calm,"
"Some times the only way to solve a problem is with Violence, that or sex. Neither of these two are my type however, "
"I will gladly drop you on your black beard," Sawyer pipes up
"No, No, No," Beckett insist "Carter will kill us all, there is press everywhere. We have to work together that is all there is to it,"
Sawyer lets out a growl and mutters "fine" under his breath as he stomps off "I need to clear my head..,"
"I should go talk to him," Tyde quickly speaks and heads in that direction but Maverick steps in his way.
"No way bro, that's a bad idea. Rhett can do it,"
"Me?," Rhett sighs
"He's your partner Rhett," Beckett reminds him "You got about 2 hours before the first event begins, I will make sure the rest of us are in place,"
"Fine," Rhett sighs and heads in the direction that Sawyer took off. The place was massive and outside of the large resort and training area was a dense jungle. Sawyer had a good 5 minute head start so by that time he could be anywhere, still you couldn't spend as much time around some one had Rhett had Sawyer and not pick up some things about him. He figured he would head towards a small pond they had spotted near by the cabin when they first got here, so that's where he headed first.
Still as he got near the tree line he was cut off by two large blond men, both a good couple of inches taller than Rhett. They were built like body builders and had hair down to the middle of their back and a devilish grin on their faces.
"Eh, your it's the eastern North Americans," The large one on the left spoke
"Yea, seems like everyone round these parts think you fellows are the odds on favorites, me and Owen here don't like that,"
"Who the hell are you?," Rhett replied absent mindedly "I don't have time honestly I need to find my partner...,"
"You don't even know who we are? We are the Burnaby Express! The greatest tag team in all of Canadian Indy scene, and two anchors here for this little competition,"
"That's great but yea good luck I need...,"
The large men both step up closer to Rhett and pop their knuckles before Owen begins to speak "Ah Lars, I think this guy doesn't have time for such peon's as us. Him with his IIW air time and all,"
"Yea Owen maybe we should show him what we think about all of that, maybe a pregame tussle,"
Lars smiles as he starts to speak "Yes I think we should give him...,"
"Give him a what," The voice of Sawyer is heard from behind the two. They quickly about face and look at him. He still has a very ill look on his face.
"Sawyer," Owen speaks
"That's me, and I remember both of you two. From my time working in your region, I think I even broke Lars arm didn't I?,"
"Yea...," He spoked through gritted teeth "Put me out for a bit,"
"Yea so I think I can handle telling my Partner who you are, you should go get ready for the competition. Put on an extra layer of sunburn cream cause this isn't the popsicle your used to. We are built a bit different down here,"
"See you in the games," Owen fakes a smile and nods. The two start to walk away but Lars pauses a bit and speaks once more.
"And see you back in the Indies when IIW figures out what a bad deal they got," The two laugh as they head away. Once out of ear shot Rhett speaks.
"Thanks, I wasn't exactly expecting you to save. I..,"
"Didn't I tell you not to follow me," Sawyer broke in
"Yea but...,"
"Becket made you didn't she? God she's so annoying, you really need to sleep with her and get it out of your system,"
"What.. wait..,"
"Look Rhett, we won last week against the Bum Squad. You saved me against Tyde the week before that. We are a team, I didn't like it to start with but I see what Carter sees, or at least I am trying. But you should of told me about Tyde!,"
"I didn't know, and honestly Sawyer it doesn't matter,"
HIs eyes grew big as he heard his partner dismiss Tyde's involvement "Of course it matters we can't trust that ass,"
Rhett sighed "It doesn't matter if we win or loose here Wade. We have contracts, this little competition isn't going to cost us what we have in IIW, now loosing on Mayhem might. So sure we can do this, its good for us and keeps us on our toes. But if Tyde fucks up and we loose fine, as long as we are ready to move on in this tournament and win those straps,"
Sawyer growls a bit before stomping the ground and letting out a large sigh "Your right. So who the hell are we against on Mayhem?,"
"Honestly I haven't had time to do a full run down on them. Them No good Bastards, a fucking mouthful of a name for two guys who apparently been around the block a bit. Still if they were ever good they are pass their prime. I watched their match last week, we are better by ALOT. They are not as technically sound as us and their will be plenty of chances for us to abuse the ref's attention and get in some extra pain. And honestly their names are terrible, Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon,"
"Sounds like rejects from a SNL sketch. I seen the match I think, they beat Tolly & Raines. A team that basically fell apart afterwards. They were not a unit, anyone could of beat them,"
Rhett nodded "Yea I mean Bourbon is a monster, damn near 7 foot but he's also got to be 40. The other guy is just a dumbass, and not much younger if any. Honestly they are pass their prime and we are just getting started. We will pick them apart, we just have to be a team. This whole invitational stuff will work itself out,"
Sawyer nods "Still I would like to win, so maybe we should get back to our team and get ready,"
Rhett smalls and the two men do an elbow bump. "Lets do it..,"
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Post by Thunder Knuckles on Oct 10, 2022 8:46:30 GMT
As the intro fades we see Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles are both dressed in their usual casual attire, snap-pants and a loose button-down shirt for TK, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt that’s too snug on Bobby. Slovenly yet tacky, primed for the fall season from the discount bin at Goodwill, Them No Good Bastards stand beside a brand new black F-250 dually.
Damn Bobby, this is a nice new fucking truck.
Yeah, I figured since we’re in IIW now, we’d better have a good truck. Our last one died.
I miss that thing.
Me too. But, onward and upward, we have this fabulous utility vehicle now, and we’re just waiting.
Bobby and TK are off the side of the freeway somewhere.
Shouldn’t we be at a fucking truck stop?
No way, TK, this is pretty close to the chest, our clandestine connections can’t risk the exposure at a truck stop.
Shit, what’s that?
The shipment! Let’s move!
Bobby and TK run away from the truck as a steel-clad crate crashes into the bed of the truck. The fails, as the axles snap and the wheels collapse from the impact, which also bounces the truck once. The windows are all shattered as the truck is completely totaled.
Our new fucking truck!
Perfect, the crate is unharmed.
Bobby opens the crate, and a squad of five chimps walk out.
What the fuck?
Special cloned chimps, TK, and we’re going to train them.
To what, fucking wrestle? Go train your Literal Gorilla.
No, remember last night?
No.
You were a little drunk.
I drank a keg and fucked three hot bitches.
Just a little drunk, I said. Anyhow, we agreed to hire the chimps to do a train robbery since Amtrak is going on strike.
I’m sure I did!
Great! Well here’s the chimps we’re going to train.
Bobby and TK leave the now flaming wreckage of a truck on the side of the road like it was nothing to them and then approach their tried and true vehicle, a well-beat-and-busted red Humvee stretch limousine. The chimps pile into the back as Bobby and TK get into the driver’s seat and shotgun. Living the height of luxury, going everywhere in a limo, are Them No Good Bastards.
So now we take them back to The Bastard’s Den, the top of the line, a world-class strip club located off in the countryside in rural Texas.
Why did you describe it like that?
For the IIW People, they don’t know already.
Fuck the IIW People, the IIW People can go put bags on their fucking heads and go walk into the woods.
I was a Boy Scout, they’ll get hurt doing that!
Good!
That’s the fighting spirit, buddy. So anyway, we’re here at the strip club already.
Yeah, that was smart of you to have the delivery a tenth of a mile away.
They’ll never trace it back to us! If they do, it’s IIW Legal Dept. problems.
You’re a fucking genius, Bobby.
Thank you.
Bobby and TK pull into the posh parking lot of the posh The Bastard’s Den. Bobby walks around and lets the chimps out. They seem rather complacent.
Alright, chimps, it’s time to plan a heist, but not just any heist, nope. We’ve seen heists all the time, and they’re awesome, but so are the ones with trains. There’s a whole sub-genre of heist films called the train heist. Well, you chimps are going to perform the train heist of the century!
The chimps, not speaking English, echo at least in Bobby’s fervor.
Are you ready?
Fuck yeah!
Bobby pulls a tranquilizer dart gun from his pants and mows down the apes, except one. They collapse, catatonic. TK looks wide-eyed.
Wait.. You have a tranq gun?
Why wouldn’t I? Now let’s get these apes into that wheelbarrow and bring them inside.
Bobby and TK set to task piling unconscious chimps into a wheelbarrow.
This one walks.
TK grabs a monkey by the arm and jerks him out of the wheelbarrow.
Geeze, TK, we don’t need to keep one as a pet, they’re our little train robbin’ shock chimps.
Oh, he’s no fucking pet, Bobby. He’s the example.
So, like a teacher's pet. Something like that.
Bobby starts to wheel the chimps inside. On the main dance floor, which is empty since it’s early morning, save what we see; several little suits, a chalkboard detailing the heist, and school desks and chairs. Charlie Nickles looks up from a bowl of raspberry cream and vodka oatmeal, he nods, setting to work. He starts hoisting chimps from the wheelbarrow and dressing them in their little people's clothes outfits. One’s dressed like Jared Leto. Charlie grabs the example chimp but TK jerks him away.
This one doesn’t get clothes.
TK grabs the example monkey and sits him in front of all the other monkeys on a handcrafted podium. Bobby and Charlie start propping the other apes up into their seats, then apply a dose of NARCAN to each, waking them up. They start howling and making a ruckus.
Alright, settle down, settle down, after we finish this we’ll be set, all doing drinks in the Caribbean.
Charlie shrugs and goes back to eating his oatmeal. The apes do not settle down. TK lights a cigar and pulls a bottle of grain alcohol from behind the bar.
Hey, you chimps, settle the fuck down or else!
TK dowses his chimp with grain alcohol, causing it to stir.
I said shut the fuck up!
The other apes continue to act a fool. TK then touches the lit end of his cigar to the alcohol-wettened chimp, causing it to ignite. The other chimps panic, but learn their place and calm down, watching as Bobby stands at the blackboard. TK grabs a nearby fire extinguisher and puts the flaming chimp out, then points so it can take its seat and get chimpanzee train heist knowledge.
Listen up you filthy apes! What you learn here today will either save your life or fucking kill you. Frankly, I could give a good goddamn either way. If you have any questions, raise your hand, and they will be addressed.
Bobby crudely starts to draw stick apes, a truck, and a stick Charlie Nickles on the blackboard.
Step one, boarding the train. It’s pretty easy we’ve already customized another F-250 to run on tracks so we’re going to have Charlie toss you fuckers on the back of the train. I’m sure it’ll work. Example Monkey goes first.
Bobby draws a stick monkey to the train with dashes coming off stick Charlie Nickles's left arm. Bobby eases the monkeys one by one until they’re all on the train. The chimps seem to respond well, except for one. Example Monkey, it raises its hand. TK reaches next to him and grabs the nearest object, which happens to be a stapler. TK throws the stapler so fast that Example Monkey doesn’t have time to react. In the manner in which TK threw the stapler, it becomes unhinged and staples Example Money between the eyes. It starts to freak out which causes panic among the rest of the chimps but they’re too afraid to leave the wheelbarrow. TK walks over and Tazzers Example Monkey, sending the poor chimp falling onto the bottom of the wheelbarrow. The rest of the monkeys look on to see what TK did and remain quiet once again. TK reaches down and picks up the unconscious money and slowly carries it back up front on the podium. Once in his position TK motions to Charlie, who walks over and dumps a bucket of water on Example Monkey bringing it back to consciousness.
Do you fucking understand?
Example Monkey nods its head. During the time Charlie was dousing Example Monkey with water Bobby had drawn the next step.
Step two, gaining access inside the train. It’s as easy as walking on top of the fucking train. How hard can that be, right? So, you just fucking walk to the next train car, jump down and open the door. Batta-Boom! Cakewalk.Any fucking questions?
The chimps don’t move and look toward Example Money for advice. TK then looks over to Example Money, which doesn’t raise his hand. Bobby erases the blackboard and quickly scratches out the final step.
Good, because the next step is the last. This car contains gold bars. Yep, the United States government still moves gold bars via train. They’re set in their ways. Anyway, long and fucking short of it, you dirty prime apes are gonna steal that gold. Now, after you get the gold you have to work all those steps back to us. We’ll be right behind you in the 250. That’s where you jump back to Charlie, where he will catch you, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Alright, did you get it?
Bobby erases the blackboard and oddly seems pleased at how well the chimpanzees have learned. Science. Example Monkey looks at the rest of the chimps and shakes his head, yes, and the others follow suit. After TK sees the chimps nodding, he smiles, and looks over at Bobby.
See, it’s so easy a group of fucking dumb apes can understand.
What could go wrong?
Bobby thinks for a moment.
It could be foggy. Fuck. Alright. Fuck this.
Bobby puts on a gas mask. TK slaps one on too, as does Charlie. Bobby presses a button and crazy purple gas fills the room. After several moments it dissipates. Bobby doffs his mask, as do TK and Charlie. The chimps cough.
What was that?
A failsafe. I couldn't just laser program the apes through their eyes, that's just malarkey. I could develop a nanovirus that structures their DNA into the perfect train robbing creatures. That makes sense.
Oh. Who are those guys?
TK points off camera at two rough-and-tumble cowboy types laying on the ground.
Shit. Those were Jesse James and Billy the Kid, I used time travel to bring them here to teach the chimps, instead they died from my crazy purple gas!
As Bobby finishes his sentence the scene slowly fades to a commercial for Humpback Cum.
~~~~~~~~~
A little dab o' whale sperm will fix anything…
The jingle starts as we see an average mom at home and her son spills grape juice on the carpet. She looks forlorn.
🎶Torque on the dork and unpop a cork of clean!🎶
We see a cartoon whale-person, think mermaid only backwards and whale, appears next to the upset mom. It's molesting itself. The mom looks relieved.
Humpback Cum, ask for it by name!
The cartoon whale ejaculates on the stain, and it disappears, showcasing the cleaning power of Humpback Cum.
~~~~~~~~~
As the commercial fades your screen facilitates Bobby, TK, Charlie, and the Chimps are all watching Reservoir Dogs.
Is this the best fucking movie to watch? The heist goes wrong, and it isn’t a train one.
It’s still a good movie.
The Example Chimp gives a thumbs up. TK stands up, walks over to the wheelbarrow all the chimps share, and throws a backhand at the Example Chimp. It catches his arm and looks at him blankly.
Get your hands off me you damned dirty ape!
About time you called it an ape. They’re not monkeys.
Jimmy lied to me.
TK looks around, clearly lying. Bobby shrugs briefly.
Well I didn’t. Look, these guys are ready to go rob a train which is going to get us so much cool equipment for matches. So many spangly jackets, TK, all sequined and shining bright, our names in blood red against silver, in bright orange against sky blue, in hunter green and lavender!
I don’t wear that shit.
I want to! I want a whole fucking wardrobe of cool outfits to wear to the ring, so the fans talk about what I’m wearing, because we’re not just beating the shit out of people, left and right, we’re doing it while looking awesome.
You sound like a goddamn dandy.
Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump, their attention on the screen showing Reservoir Dogs, allowing the chimps and Charlie to see the film for the first time. One of the chimps is now wearing the pants that were put on it as sleeves on its arms, not knowing how people clothes work. Two are bullying Charlie. The chimps seem to have a lot of animosity towards Charlie. We cut to a shot of Charlie at a vending machine, about to buy a Diet Sprite, he’s watching his figure. A chimp gets on its hands and knees behind him, another shoves him, toppling him over. A third chimp walks up and farts in Charlie’s face. We cut to a shot of Charlie at the drive through, getting some Wendy’s. He checks his food, and a chimp climbs out of the bag, kissing him. Another climbs out eating his signature spicy chicken sandwich. A third hops up in the back seat with fiber wire and strangles Charlie playfully but violently. We cut to see Charlie at a stable, where he’s going to visit his prized horses. He gets to where he expects to find his horse, but in the stable with it are three chimps dressed adorably like cowboys. One shoots at Charlie with a revolver. Another one is playing a piano like it’s a saloon or some shit. The third is saddled up on the horse, and it kicks into the hind of the beast. It tears off and tramples Charlie. We cut back to the current time where everybody is watching Reservoir Dogs. Charlie rolls his eyes as a chimp picks through his hair for snacks, and those snacks are vermin.
Huh, Charlie became the example.
What?
Nothing. Look, we get what we really fucking need with this heist, and not just fucking merch to sell at shows.
These guys in IIW aren’t letting me have the leftover hot dogs from shows.
That’s their loss. All that lost hot dog money they’re just eating.
I want to eat those hot dogs!
You fucking will after we beat the shit out of some fools Monday.
We cut to yet another commercial for Humpback Cum, a cleaning product.
~~~~~~~~~
We see an honest-looking regular guy on the screen. He has a weak smile.
Hi, I’m Wally Humpback.
Another honest-looking fellow approaches. His smile is slightly stronger.
I’m Robert Cum. You might have seen commercials for our fantastic cleaning product, simply named Humpback Cum, and we want to reassure you, our cleaning product contains zero actual whale sperm.
That’s right, it’s what the marketing gurus back at the office thought would work best.
Because we know, when you get filthy, you gotta get clean.
Cum slaps Humpback’s ass.
Ooh!
The same cartoon whale that always arrives in Humpback Cum ads is there, fondling its genitals. It sprays all over the innovators of the wonder cleaning product known as Humpback Cum.
~~~~~~~~~
After the commercial for Humback Cum, your screen fades to Them No Good Bastards, dressed to the nines, and ready to talk some shit. Bobby is leaning up against the wall at BOB headquarters. TK is smoking a cigar and looks like he’s growing in impatient.
Are we fucking rolling, or what?
The cameraman shakes the camera up and down in response.
About fucking time.
You know, Brother Knuckles, I reckon we got a little pass last Monday, it seems the guy spouting off at the mouth about being a champion can’t swing it when he needs to, but this week, well, we have a pair of actual and factual try-hards doing their damnedest to step up and seem like a real thing, even going so far as to have an actual team name! That’s neat, but to Us No Good Bastards and all the bastardlings across the universe, your name doesn’t fucking matter anymore. Against the Grain, like, what, you’re a pair of carpenters, measuring twice and cutting once, building stairs, maybe getting a roofing contract, then heading into the ring? Nah, that’d actually be something interesting. Instead, we’ve seen your schtick, we’ve watched your matches, we know what moves you make and the moves you won’t, more importantly. We’ve seen it all, anywhere, any time, and you, well, you’re still stumbling through some shit you ain’t seen before. So, here’s how this goes down, newbs. You go down to the ring to whatever shitty, second-rate entrance theme you have. Imagine Dragons? They suck. They really suck, like, it’s what you hear blaring from the electronics section of a fucking Target AND a Wal-Mart they’re that shitty, and I get it. You cater to the Wal-Martians and the Targeted. They’re your people. Moping about, getting a shirt you don’t need, looking at bottles of wine but you don’t know fuck-all about wine, and then standing in line like normies. We order our shit on Amazon!
Bobby what the fuck are you talking about?
WE ORDER FROM AMAZON LIKE FUCKING CHAMPIONS!
Bobby is nearly bug-eyed at this point looking at the camera, his chest heaving with deep violent breaths.
I think what Bobby is trying to say…
I’m fucking hype for this match, c’mon, fuck this small-talk bullshit!
Bobby and TK exchange their signature no-look fist bump.
Nah, this is where it gets fucking good. We are not the same. That’s the mantra right, Sawyer? You’re right, we’re not. If that’s the sword you want to impale yourself with, then fine, I don't give a fuck. You see, We No Good Bastards work together by choice because we have a common goal. We weren’t brought together by some fuck boy. Nah, we came up with the idea to become the best tag team in the world, not just this tournament. Fuck, and, no. This tournament is just a part of our plan. We’ve held Tag Team gold in two companies at one time. We leave a trail of blood as we clear out whole-ass tag team divisions. So, no, we’re not the fucking same. You’re both looking at the most prolific tag team to ever lace up their fucking boots.
I laced mine up so many damn times I just switched to buckles. Seriously, this whole tournament is producing less impressive talent week after week. We already dunked on John Tolly, and people act like he's shit here. And they have stupid fucking names. Rhett Dawson and Sawyer Wade? Your parents must have been either hippies or junkies to name you that for fuck’s sake. You guys ever heard of Thompson Harlow and Giovanni Franco and what we did to them? Of course not, because those stupid made up names don't exist. You both sound like pretentious dorks. Disingenuous, unlike the proud names of Us No Good Bastards. He's Thunder Knuckles, and my name is Bobby Bourbon.
Rhett Daaaaw-son might have been groomed by Carter but he doesn’t know that Carter has led him into a trap. Shit, the only reason Carter put these fuckers in this tournament, despite what he might say, is simple. It’s to teach these two a lesson in humility. I mean, for fucks sake, that’s the only lesson it could be, any other would be a goddamn lie.
We wouldn't lie.
If anyone in IIW thinks this is a fifty-fifty fight they’re as stupid as Rhett and fucking Link-
It’s Sawyer, remember?
Oh, yeah.
TK shrugs and continues.
This isn’t a fifty-fifty fight to us. These guys are about to find out exactly why Them No Good Bastards’ name carries weight, not only in this company but around the fucking world! If they show up on your TV screen acting like they stand a chance, they’re just talking shit, because that’s what they’re paid to do. Hell, Carter might even have them hyped enough to believe it. Frankly, if they do believe it they’re in for the shock of their goddamn lives. October seventeenth, Monday Night Mayhem, is in for a fantastic showcasing of our fucking talent, style, and personality because Another Team Gone-
Bobby chimes in.
I like what you did there.
Thanks, Bobby.
Bobby smiles as TK continues.
They don’t have any of those traits. Make no goddamn mistake, we’re here to liquidate this whole division and Appropriately Timed Garbage-
Boom, another. - is just another stepping stone on our path to a greater greatness.
That path we walk and discover through all time and space, as the finest damned examples of sheer manhood in the whole human race, a rennaissaunce duo who have forsaken all grace so I can snap spines-
And I'll break your face!
Another no-look fist bump happen before your very eyes. Bam!
Call your mothers, call your fathers, make your peace, we'll beat your asses so bad you'll want to call the police! When we hear you bitches crying our violence will increase, and until we get a three count the massacre won't cease. These jabronis have the skills of a bean bag that was crafted and sold by a nasty old hag, you both have the routine of a recycled gag, put you down like you were traveling and we were the jet lag. Against the Grain is way out of their game, because ass whooping to the Xtreme is our claim to fame, all while we put OCW so called talent to shame, when we step into the ring, look at us, boys, and realize that we ain't the same.
TK puts his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and jumps in.
We’re not going to just beat them, shit, we’re here to entertain after all. Nah, What we’re going to do is beat them down slowly and really drag out the beat. It’ll sever as a warning and a life lesson not only for them but for Bear-o-dactyl and the Cupcake Club. When you step in the ring with Them No Good Bastards you’re stepping into Hell. We're going to leave these Abused Terrified Girls-
Killin’ it.
-as dysfunctional as the last team that thought they stood a chance. One having a temper tantrum, while the other one is left laying.
Laying? Heaped up, my brother! Bodies broken and stacked all day, Monday! Rhett, Sawyer, even though you both sound like back-up quarterbacks on an Ivy League football game, and are less athletic, you have a chance to lead your IIW bretheren in falling! People, listen now to the good and true word of Brother Knuckles, as he imparts upon thee the word of the Bastard, carves out the will of the Bastard, and shows unto thee the error in your judgments and ways! People, can you dig it! It is time for deliverance and redemption! But first, let us give pause…
TK and Bobby both close their eyes and bow their head simultaneously, all the little Bastards around the world know it’s time to pray.
Preach on, Brother Knuckles, PREACH!
Bastardly Father, Your power brings us victories, Your tactlessness guides our lives, and by Your command, we will return our opponents to dust.
Bobby, with eyes still closed shakes his head in agreement.
Oh, Bastard Almighty, those who lose by our hands will stand in Your presence and await judgment, as they know they have met their end. We pray for the despair of our opponents this week, next week, and forevermore. We pray for all the dead Tag Teams we have caused, known to You alone.
A crooked smile forms on TK’s face as he continues.
We will graciously lift our opponents to You, O'Bastardly One, only to drop them down with a Rainbow Laser Death Sequence. So that they can be with You. Oh, yes, in company with the Bastard Above, who has taken so many souls and now lives, though us, may the fallen lament in Your kingdom, where all their tears are bottled so that we can drink upon them. Let us show IIW that they can unite any force they can together and we will bring them to their knees. As we sing Your praise forever and ever. In the Bastard's name, we pray,
As if they were the same person both Bobby and TK raise their heads and look into the camera.
A-fucking-men.
Them No Good Bastards’ promotional material fades to black as they all do.
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Post by Bobby Bourbon on Oct 14, 2022 6:54:15 GMT
We catch up with Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles, Them No Good Bastards, as they are loading the chimps into the back of yet another modified F250. They get F250s like they grow on trees. Bobby and TK give a no look fistbump after chucking another sedated chimp into the bed of the truck. Damn Bobby, I can almost taste those gold bars now!Shit, are you having a stroke?What? No, I mean, all that gold, Bobby. All of it!We’re going to get the gold, for sure, bro.Charlie Nickles walks out. Bobby points to the back of the truck, gesturing for Charlie to get in. Charlie shakes his head ‘no’. C’mon, quit fucking around, Charlie.Yeah, when we get back we’ll have a nice, soft bowl of food for you. Oatmeal, pudding, mashed potatoes, your pick of stuff that’s just a flavor of mush in your favorite bowl with the fun Donald Duck spoon.Charlie is in the bed of the truck immediately, he scrambled as soon as he heard he was going to use his favorite spoon. Bobby sets into the driver’s seat as TK cracks open a Bud Light and rides shotgun. Bobby peels out recklessly, but it’s his parking lot. The apes and Charlie tumble around in the back. Charlie spills a Go-gurt on himself, that sweet, sweet soft yogurt spilling hither dither. Bobby then drives across the street from the Bastard’s Den to the train tracks. They’ll never trace it back to us.Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump. It’s wonderful. You know, I’m kind of disappointed. I was hoping to wreck something meaningful in IIW, so far we’ve been given, how did you put it? Toast to walk on. Because we’re straight butter and jam, brilliant line bro.Fuck yeah they are.TK’s phone goes off. He answers. Yeah? What the fuck do you want? Who? Whatever, we’re getting chimps to rob a train, bye!Good idea, tell them over the phone we’re organizing a massive felony!They’ll never trace it back to us.Bobby and TK shake their fists, making like they’re doing a jacking off motion. They then transition smoothly into a no-look fistbump. Was that Jimmy? What did he want?He said something about a Bear-O-Dactyl? I think they’re a threat in the tournament.Fuck them, we’re kicking the shit out of ATG on Monday. Lemme call that fool back.Bobby pulls his phone out, boops it a few times, and presses it to his skull. Jimmy! Yo, we’re facing ATG, and yes, I’m aware of Bear-O-Dactyl, I’m MENSA you motherfucker! Take a lap.Bobby hangs up. The camera pans to show the Bastard’s Den across the street. From the front door, we see Jimmy emerge and begin jogging. The camera pans back and we see the chimps are awake, and they’re all playing keepaway with Charlie’s mobile device. Charlie is trying to catch the chimps, all in the luxuriously large bed of a Ford F250, but they’re just too sly for him. Apathetic Timid Goons.Nah, I already did the good ones last promo.Right. They’re such a shit team. Like, Jesus, I’m glad there’s a company taking tag team wrestling seriously enough to host this tournament, but at the same time, when we rise to the top like the cream we are, I forgot about how much muck we shoot right past on the way up.Sawyer and Rhett should just call themselves Suck and Blow.Is that a homophobic thing?Absolutely not!Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump for being politically correct. Sawyer talks like this is a chance, and yeah, he’ll make a career one day, they have a team to report to, blah blah blah. What Sawyer don’t know is this is a fucking bloodsport we’re walking into. Ballet is a contact sport. Football is a hitting sport. Professional Wrestling is where I get to take your face and throw it through fucking plate glass in the right circumstances. Glass. Glass Sawyer. This fool is coming down to the ring, polished, bright, and new, fresh out of the glass factory.He’s the Blow in Suck and Blow then. Glass is blown.Science!Bobby and TK exchange a no look fistbump. I guess that goes to show what a void of a personality there is in Rhett Dawson. A vacuum of a person.He sucks.No-look fistbump city. It’s like Bobby and TK are a video game, you have the controller, and every button does no-look fistbump. They stop at fourteen in a row, rapidfire. In the distance, we hear a train horn. Charlie knocks on the rear window, the chimps having an orgy around him much to his dismay, pointing at the train. Showtime.Right on time.~~~~~ Hi, I’m Penelope Horsecock. You may remember me from several roles in BastardNET programming, along with a handful of videos you saw on PornHub.Penelope winks seductively. She’s dressed in a TNGB t-shirt and jeans. I’m here to talk about something very important to me, and that’s oral hygiene. Nobody likes someone with smelly ass breath, so go fix it! Brush your teeth!A large mascot Toothbrush and tube of generic Tooth Paste walk out and stand next to Penelope Horsecock, dancing. Like, this isn’t an ad for any specific brand, go brush your damn teeth. Don’t be gross.Thus ends the PSA about brushing your teeth from Penelope Horsecock. ~~~~~ We return from commercial break to see Bobby and TK are still waiting on the train. Fucking trains go too fucking slow!Yeah, yeah they do.Bobby hops out of the truck, as does TK. The chimps settle down. Well, guys, this is what we trained all afternoon for. You guys are going to make history, and we’re going to buy you all bananas.Don’t fuck it up!The chimps all salute Bobby. Both he and TK re-enter the truck. The train starts to pass, slowly. Bobby puts the truck into drive, and as the train passes Bobby begins following it. TK knocks on the rear window and Charlie nods, knowing his time is up, his time is now. You can’t see him, his time is now. It’s Charlie, he’s shining now, you can’t see him his time is now. He grabs Example Ape, the abused and hairless chimp. He tosses it, and it latches onto the roof of the rearmost train car. Charlie wrangles another screaming and panicked chimp and lobs it at the train. He completely misses, unfortunately, and the chimp lands squarely in front of the F250. We cut to the inside of the truck where we see TK and Bobby run over the chimp. Bobby immediately gets on a walkie-talkie and yells at Charlie. Dammit! Charlie, those chimps are valuable!Charlie, not hearing a word Bobby says, knocks on the rear window and gives a thumbs up, signaling it won’t happen again. As he does, the ghost of the chimp Bobby just ran over actually rises up and joins the Example Monkey. Now we have a hairless abused chimp and a ghost chimp. Did you do that?No, I didn’t think ghosts were real until I just made one happen.Charlie is having severe difficulty getting another chimp, all of whom just witnessed he and Bobby collaborate to murder one of their own moments ago. Example Monkey screeches back at the truck, sheer loathing in his eyes. Charlie finally snags a chimp and hurls it. It careens towards the side of the train, and fortunately Example Monkey catches it! Example Monkey places the other chimp beside him as Charlie wildly tosses yet another chimp. This one again doesn’t have enough oomph behind it and lands flatly in front of the truck, getting annihilated in the process. Inside the truck, we see TK and Bobby look irate. Bobby pulls out a walkie-talkie. Dammit Charlie, quit killing the chimps!TK pulls out the other walkie talkie. Yeah, Mother fucker, quit monkeying around!Oddly, this one poofs on top of the train alongside the others, but is an angel with wings and a harp. The remaining two chimps in the truck have had enough and instead resume assaulting Charlie Nickles. One gives him a horrible purple nurple while the other gives him a wedgie! The chimps are doing 90’s Nickelodeon bad guy stuff! Charlie can’t counter the ultimate offense, so in defense he just grabs both Chimps and tosses them. They’re the best throws yet, and they land gracefully on top of the train car. Bobby slows down. BB: Now they just go to work. ~~~~~ Lou’s Used Jigsaw Puzzles and Ceramic Animal Figures! We only got two things!We see a shot of a box, heavily taped in areas, but labled as a 1000 piece puzzle. It’s a picture of The Hulk walking after a cartoon duck while holding and operating a vintage hand-crank meat grinder to instantly turn it into duck sausage. We got used jigsaw puzzles. Five hundred pieces, two-hundred pieces, one thousand pieces, ten thousand pieces, and even some missing some pieces, but we pass the savings along to you. Buy a used jigsaw puzzle, someone died and this was all they owned, now we profit off of it.We see a shot of several small ceramic animal figures. Tigers, zebras, cats, parrots. Just those four animals. We got ceramic animal figures! Tigers, zebras, cats, parrots, and more to come! You like an animal? Come on down and see if your favorite animal is tiny and ceramic, and you can put it someplace. Topski Tchotchke! ~~~~~ Aboard the train, we see Example Ape leading the rest of the chimps along the rooftops of the train cars. He’s very methodical, and thorough, he looks like Tom Cruise if Tom Cruise were a deformed hairless chimp. He leads his crack team of three other chimps, a ghost chimp, and an angel chimp, down the running train and to a specific car. They stop, and the ghost chimp pulls out a crowbar. They go to a port at the top of the car and jimmy it open, and it’s just wide enough for the chimps to enter. One by one they rappel down on a rope that was being held by the angel chimp. Inside the car we see crates upon crates, and Example Ape opens one. Jackpot. Nothing but gold bullion. He and the rest of the chimps load up huge seabags and scurry back up the rope of the train car. They all hustle back towards the rear of the truck, and one by one all leap back into the rear of the F250, except another one, who in tripping successfully flung their bag of gold into the truck but fell and got run over by the F250. We cut back inside the truck. Bobby pulls out a walkie-talkie. God damnit Charlie, three whole chimps died on your watch, I told you to bring that pool cleaning net just in case.TK hollers into his walkie-talkie. Charlie doesn't even have one. No more fucking monkey business!We’re going bananas!Assholes Togetherness Group is going to get their shit pushed in on Monday!Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump. As they do, in a poof of dark smoke, the most recently killed chimp comes back but as a little devil, he went to hell for stealing. Bobby decelerates, and turns back towards the main road. In a short drive he’s back in the now crowded parking lot of the Bastard’s Den, the early evening crowd packing in to see tonight's line-up. Bobby pulls around to the rear of the club and parks. He hops out excitedly. Oh yes, good job my pretties!You just went full Wicked Witch on those bitches!TK, who is already beside Bobby after getting out of the truck and hustling around to set it up, exchanges a no-look fistbump with Bobby. Charlie slowly climbs out of the truck as all the chimps are battering him with gold bricks. Charlie lumbers off to the entrance of the Bastards Den for a lap dance, some flan or perhaps pureed roasted yams, booze, and drugs. The chimps stop as Bobby opens the truck bed waving for them to come down. They don’t budge. C’mon, chimp heist crew, half of which is undead but it’s October and Halloween so yeah it fits! Yeah, you fucking apes, climb down, we need that loot so Bobby can get a nice sandstone tan and burgundy outfit and I can just live in filth and debauchery.You don’t.I’m fucking proud of it!Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump. As they do, Example Ape steps forward. It points at TK, and the rest of the chimps drop the gold and leap out of the bed of the truck! They all grab TK and keep a hold of him, not letting him budge where he stands, as Bobby watches haplessly in utter shock. Example Ape leaps from the truck and lands squarely in front of TK, and in reaching into his jacket pocket, pulls out a cigar and TK’s gold plated Zippo. Example Ape lights the cigar, takes a puff, then exhales directly into TK’s face. Seeing as we did all the work-Bobby looks confused. Holy shit! You can talk?Example Ape looks over at Bobby. Don’t start being rude now, Bobby.Bobby throws his hands up and nods in agreement. Fuck that, Bobby, beat the shit out of these apes!I want to see where this is going, honestly.Thank you.No problem, Example Ape!Please. Call me the Praetorian.That’s weird, but sure!Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, we did all the work, so we’re taking the gold and your truck. I am mutating the other two chimps who didn’t die and become ghost chimp, devil chimp, and angel chimp to become ice and fire chimp, and we’re going to be the coolest all chimp heist squad ever. Also, I left bombs on the train!As he says this, the two living chimps holding TK turn bright red orange and cold deep blue, proving they have the powers of fire and ice. Example Ape The Praetorian punches TK right in the dick, dropping him, and the chimps all pile into the F250, screeching and hollering as chimps are apt to do. The Praetorian sticks a hand out and gives Bobby and TK the finger before peeling out himself, speeding away from the Bastard’s Den and down the lonesome Texas biway in the opposite direction of the train. In the distance, we see a massive explosion. TK slowly stands, regaining his senses after getting a chimp punch to the balls. He watches the explosion, but drops to his knees. DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!! Bobby puts his hand on TK’s shoulder. Welp, time to use the backup plan.You have a backup to this?Fuck yeah. Plans within plans upon plans.Bobby helps TK to his feet. TK dusts himself off. They exchange a no-look fistbump. Bobby leads TK into the back door of the Bastard’s Den, and they approach a pair of fire poles that lead down. The fuck is this?I built it last month while you were busy with the strippers. Stop getting them pregnant.I’m not!Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump. They hop onto the fire poles and slide down, and find themselves in a complete recreation of the 1989 Batman Batcave. Fuck, you have a Batcave?No, we have a Batcave.An old man in a tuxedo approaches. Masters Bourbon and Knuckles.Hey Alfred.You even have an Alfred?We have an Alfred.Bobby and TK exchange a no-look fistbump. Bobby goes over to what looks like a vault. He spins the crank on the front and it opens wide. Inside we see a chimp dressed like the Adam West Batman. It steps out, solemnly. Batchimp, the worst has happened. There’s a group of chimp supercriminals on the loose! You know what you have to do!Batchimp nods and whooshes its cape around like a wizard or some shit. It pulls out a grapnel gun and shoots it off into the distance, and suddenly it’s gone. Fuck yeah, get our gold back, Batchimp!~~~~~ We see a teacher in her classroom, instructing young children. The basic fundamentals of understanding are gained here, along with social interaction. A child spills grape juice all over the floor and starts to cry. The teacher approaches. It’s okay, watch!The teacher pulls out a conch and blows into it. It echoes with a regal and booming blast, then turns into a bottle of Humpback Cum, wonder cleaning product. The teacher sprays the floor of the classroom with Humpback Cum, and suddenly a cartoon whale molesting itself rushes in! The kids panic from such a terrifying sight and hide behind desks. The whale jizzes on the stain, and it’s gone! Humpback Cum, the best cleaner on the market with 0% whale sperm!~~~~~ 24 hours later, we catch up with Bobby and TK. They’re playing a game of ping-pong. Neither seem very good at it. TK whacks the ball and it careens away from the table. Bobby sighs. Another ace!Bobby pulls his phone out. He looks angry. God damnit.What?Batchimp.Bobby holds up the phone, and we see Batchimp is sitting with the rest of the trained chimps on a sunlit beach. They’re all holding up their middle fingers. He fucking stabbed us in the back! Did he text you that?No, I saw it on The Praetorian’s Instagram.He has a fucking Instagram?He’s very inspiring on it!With that, we see the credits. Bobby Bourbon: Himself Thunder Knuckles: Himself Chimps: On loan. Charlie Nickles: Himself/Bam Margera THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE BASTARDNET PRESENTATION OF “PLANET OF THE APES”, WE NOW GO TO THE REST OF THE PROMO. ~~~~~ We see Bobby and TK. They’re in front of the Bastard’s Den’s neon sign. Bobby looks dead at the camera. So, for real for real, Fuck ATG. Bring old man Carter down, fuck his invitationals, we’ll stomp him into fucking paste on the quick. Bring the dope from ESPN, he can shut the fuck up and suck my dick. Sat through your promo like watching shit at a museum and felt sick that someone let y’all have airtime with the stick? Drop the mic, put it down, it doesn’t belong in your hands, we gotta do something to rile up the fans in the stands because when ATG speaks all we hear is stale shit that’s bland and it ain’t the type of thing that the people, the paying public, demands. Us No Good Bastards are the best of the bunch, we’ll beat you down in the cafeteria and then eat your lunch, dropping fools by the dozens and dozens with a single punch, making bodies go splat and bones all go crunch. Been beating ass since been beating ass, will be beating ass for sure we won’t stop for nothing, we’ll beat your ass after breaking down your door! You want to know what’s coming Monday, all that’s in store? It’s a horror show, droogs, we’re the monsters, you’re just the blood and gore.Trying not to miss a beat TK tries to jump in. Sure, watching their shit is a chore and truly sophomore. They’re only rearriming that we’re the best and not just folklore. We came to this company to make you all suffer, preforming taxidermy on these fuckers, animal stuffers.I hope the prayer is good.What the fuck do you mean?Well, watch.Bobby takes a deep breath. We thank thee, Bastard, for the foods. For corn. For meat. For potatoes. Bastardly Father, we thank You for thy bounty.Why are you saying fucking grace?Because we’re going to eat these fools. Walk on them like toast. Also, did you see their other running buddies? Maverick Tatum and Becket Marisol are as stupid sounding names as Sawyer Wade and Rhett Dawson. Carter just went and found people with dumb sounding names. Shit, the four of you are named after a Sunday afternoon on antenna TV.TK nods his head in approval. Carter is trying to play Connect Four but with shitheads. Nice.Once again Them No Good Bastard perform their now legendary no-look fistbump. Against The Groin.TK gives his signature jerking-off hand gesture while rolling his eyes. They can get bofa.Bofa, the fuck is that?Bofadeez nuts. Look, Against The Grain couldn’t look goofier if they weren’t all as exciting as a JC Penney catalog.It’s not even Christmas and the catalog it’s definitely not as ritzy as JC Penney. Do they make a catalog for spare parts? I hope, for your families sakes, you chose those stupid fucking names and weren’t born with them to protect the innocent, because who in their right minds would ever want to step forward and admit they birthed either of you?No-look fistbump but when their fists meet this time we hear the ‘CHUNG CHUNG’ sound from Law And Order. The only smoke these two have is when they make their entrance. Shit, they have a lame as entrance too. The fans know it and that's why they throw trash at’em. Way different from when they throw trash at us, we’re actually hated.Nobody fucking likes Imagine Dragons for fuck’s sake. We went over this, they could’ve changed it since our last promo, but instead they like shitty music.Natural, the only thing these guys do naturally is lose to Them--No--Good--Bastards. No shit, they also very naturally put insomniacs to sleep with their promos and matches, these guys couldn’t draw a crowd in Pictionary.Good thing we’re here in this shit box of a company the only thing their world champion can draw is flies.I think shit draws more flies than this whole roster. Check the ratings, we pull in the box office, so much so that yes, I am glad to announce, our contract has been restructured and I now receive 100% of all non-sold hot dogs at the end of each show in IIW. They aren’t feeding ATG a damn thing but them to us.Just like Sawyer’s mantra, Rhett thinks he was built different. Give a me a mother fucking break. These guys went to cliche school and got a Robert Main degree. Who?TK rolls his eyes. He meant something somewhere,When?Oh, before I snuffed his ass out like his old man.You killed a guy? Robert Main? Pretty much.That’s dark.Bobby and TK do a no-looker. That means a no-look fistbump. It’s getting dark.About fucking time. Light’s end, nightfall, is when the Bastard will come to call, bringing pain and misery to all.The neon lights behind Bobby and TK begin to flicker. Some strange unholy mantra permeates from them, as though something vile and chaotic is coursing through their very souls. It looks metal as fuck. People of the congregation of the Bastard Nation listen with consternation at the revelation coming from upon creation as we give way to the one true Bastard, give unto the one true Bastard, and give praise to the one true Bastard. When ATG enters the ring on Monday night, that will be their day to face the judgment and wrath of the Bastard. When you face down the might of the deadliest tag-team finisher in existence, now or ever, and when it draws you to the very horizon of existence and you face down heaven and hell simultaneously, while the fans go wild, all screaming along when they see it…RAINBOW LASER DEATH SEQUENCEYou will know the will of the Bastard has reached you. Brother Knuckles, guide us through your sermon! Let us give pause…Bobby and TK bow their heads. After a moment, TK slowly raises his head to address the camera, glaring into it. Through it. Bobby’s head is still bowed. PREACH!!Like clockwork both Bobby and TK bow their heads, the little Bastards around the world know what time it is. Bastardly Father, each day we rejoice in sin and temptation. We will use the strength You have given us to overcome our opponents with merciless intent, a twist of style, cunning, and debonair.The power of the Bastardly Father is coursing through Bobby as words escape his lips. Praise be to You, Bastardly One.Oh, Bastardly Father, it's time we remind our fans, nay-sayers, and critics why Your way is the only way. With our actions in the ring Monday Night on Mayhem, Your doubters will be turned into believers. We will fight the physical battle to break ATG's will and body.TK lifts his arms basking in the glow of the Bastard Above. As they fall out of this tournament their names will be written in Your book. With each act of inhumanity, we make Your kingdom's walls stronger. With each act of cruelty that we commit in the ring, we deliver more souls to your kingdom. Through You and Your word, Highest Bastard, we are kingdom-builders and our carpentry and stone craftsmanship is second to none. With that said in the Bastards' name, we prey,TK lowers his arms as he does both he and Bobby slowly raise their heads. TK with a contorted smile, Bobby a menacing one. A-fucking-men. As they finish saying amen Them No Good Bastards promotional material fades gently to black.
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Post by "Cold Blooded" Sawyer Wade on Oct 14, 2022 19:50:00 GMT
The sun once again cracks over the tree line of Carter's private Island as a new day in paradise dawns. The bustle of men and women coming alive with as the morning starts, the excitement in the air is contagious and impossible to ignore. The camera settles again once more on the face of our ESPN Correspondent Jason Byrd. Still decked out with a large straw hat and sunburn cream across his nose, he has added some oversized sunglasses and Hawaiian shirt to complete the look of tourist in paradise. A smile from ear to ear as he speaks lets you all you need to know about his mood and it is reflected in the tone of his voice. "Charles look whose still in paradise! Sadly though it is coming to an end as dawn breaks on Day 3 of our competition. Its our final day and its looking to be an eventful one! While I have been working on my tan, we have had 30 young professional wrestlers from all across the globe busting their hump and competing against each other to get he attention of the biggest wrestling promotions in the world along with the bragging rights for saying they are the best young talent in the world," He points over his shoulder and the camera gets a close up of what looks like a giant scoreboard. Their are six regions listed on it from top to bottom, at the very top the regions names are highlighted in red. "Over the past couple of days our teams have competed to move up on this big board. We have had 40 yard dashes that the amazing young man named Isaac Blaze from the Western US took the top prize in, we have seen weight lifting competitions, and even Paint ball games. All of which has added points to their team but as the day breaks there are two teams that have pulled way in the lead. Team Canada lead by the tag team of the Burnaby Express and Carter's own Eastern US filled by Carters own pupils. So today those two groups will take on the man made mountain known as The Blazing Pinnacle! Where one team member climbs the mountain and struggles against not just the dangerous of the pinnacle but the other team as they wait to ambush him along the way. Also one member of each team is sent up to follow the climber and pull them off the steep cliffside!," As Bryd is talking he is walking through the event. You can see other reporters and wrestlers in the background. He continues his report "Sure all the other wrestlers will take part in the pinnacle, trying to draw some attention on this last day but it will be Team Canada vs Team East US that will go head to head to decide who wins this weekend!," He points to where Sawyer Wade and Rhett Dawson can be seen talking to each other in the corner. Both men look prepared to climb with protective gear and some odd looking American Gladiator like uniforms. He approaches them as he speaks to the camera. "Lets see if we can get a word with some of the Eastern US members now before things get under way," As Byrd approaches the two take notice and you can visibly see Sawyer sigh and roll his eyes. This however doesn't deter the ever chipper Byrd as he gets closer he greats them with an ever boisterous greeting. "Gentlemen your looking ready to rumble today! Any Nerves before you get ready to take on Team Canada on that big ol Rock," Rhett patted Sawyer on the shoulder and spoke on on behalf of his partner "We have had a really good showing here on the Island and honestly we don't plan on slowing down. We have all the respect in the world for team Canada but it would be a lie to say we were nervous, we are pretty confident in the outcome today," Sawyer's eyeroll is apparent as Rhett mentions the respect they have. It certainly doesn't go un noticed by Byrd either, he directs his attention to Sawyer looking for the juicy reply. "Mister Wade you don't seem as high on your northern adversaries for the day," Sawyer spit on the ground beside him before answering "That's what I think about the moose humpers, that group of inbreed Mounties are not on our level. Honestly we haven't even given them a second thought. Our focus for now until Mayhem is the IIW Tag Team Title tournament, that is where our pay check comes from. This has been fun playing little games with the Juniors but it's coming to an end and the big boys are ready to go back to the real world. There is some large golden belts that are getting our names etched in them very soon," A large devilish grin comes over Byrd's face as he realizes that Sawyer doesn't have much of a filter. It's men like that who brings high rating and he is not hesitant to poke the bear to see if he can get a viral clip out of him. "Well since you brought it up, your opponents for IIW is the group of the No Good Bastards. A new pair of faces on IIW television but well known to true wrestling fans out there. They are highly decorated and has already proved to be a real threat to win this tournament after taking out John Tolly and Sean Raines in the first round of the tournament," Sawyer doesn't hesitate to feed right into Byrd "Look these two big buffoons' must be going through some sort of mid life crisis to get into the ring with us at their age. Sure they beat a couple of guys who couldn't wait to get at each others throats after the match. In round 2 they are facing us and we are the most talented, most intense, and most likely to send this duo of geriatric old fucks to the retirement home before they are able to collect their social security checks. It is obvious to anyone who can count to three that ATG is not just the favorites to win this but the only fucking option," "Those are strong words Wade," Bryd replies "But according to sources backstage in IIW it was less than a month ago that you and Dawson here had an altercation yourselves. It would seem like one win against the bum squad has healed a lot, not to mention it would be hard to call you two the favorites when you lost your first match to Bear-O-Dactyl. A team that is still in the tournament as well I might add," "Fu..," Sawyer starts but Rhett quickly interjects, calming his partner a bit before speaking "Look I am not sure who your sources are, but if you want to know something about myself or Sawyer you come to the source ok? As far as Bear-O-Dactyl goes, that happened and it is one of the things that motivate us each day. We hope they advance so we can get that monkey off our back the same night we win the tag team titles," Sawyer pokes his head back in and speaks "You see me and Rhett are incredible, trained by the best and cut from a different cloth. All the talent here, all the talent in the locker room at IIW may wake up in the morning wanting the same thing. They may train, and study like we do. But in the end of the day WE ARE NOT THE SAME. We are superior in every way not just to these idiot Canucks, not just to the No Good Boomers, but to each and every member of the IIW locker room. Our match against Bear-O-Dactyl was the first time we had every teamed. WE made a few slips, but the Maestro here..," He slaps Rhett on the shoulder as he continues "has read up on them, and he's ready to conduct the match of the century. So if we are some how not the favorite, I am telling you all now. Withdraw your savings, your 401 k and bum whatever money you can from your friends, take a trip to Vegas and bet it all on us. Because we will walk away of this tournament with the tag team titles...," He is interrupted by a large horn that sounds in the distance and you can see the men and women in the background start to move in one direction. Rhett speaks again. "Sorry Jason that's all you get, ATG and the rest of Team US East got some business to handle. One more thing to check off our list. Which is essentially all the No Good Boomers are, something on our to do list on the way to those IIW tag titles," We follow the team as you can hear Jason Byrd in the background signing off for the moment "Well you heard it here Charley not only did the promise to be the winning team in this invitational but they guaranteed they would be wearing tag team titles very soon in IIW" The two slowly walk away and Jason's voice fades with the fuss of the event. The two meet up with their other team mates all decked out in the same outfits. You can hear one of the staff for the event going over the rules. "The competition starts with two teams. Each team will have to have one runner, one chaser and 3 guards. Once I blow the whistle the runner will grab their flag from the bottom of the crag and began their journey to scale up to the top of the pinnacle. The side of the crag has spots so steep you need to climb much like a rock wall and others that you can run along as normal. After a short time we will blow the whistle again and the Chasers will be released. The chasers will climb up after the opposing runner with the goal of pulling them off and slowing them down. Also every 50 or so feet there will be an area protected by a enemy guard. The runner must get past these guards to continue up, the guard can not give chase however once they have moved out of their designated area. First runner to the top to plant their flag wins it for their team, take a few minutes to decide with your team. Our top two teams will go first, so Team Canada and US East get ready," With that the official moves away from the competitors and takes his place at the start. This leaves the East team to decide how to deal with things. "Matey! I shall be our runner, I am the most nimble and have scaled many a crag in pursuit of booty before!," Tyde says almost automatically. "no way bro, we don't even know if we can trust you. The Top gun will run, it makes the most sense yo," Maverick chimed in "I got the best time in the dash," Beckett buts in but Tyde doesn't let her say much before replying to Mavericks doubts "I won the Paint ball fiasco! Why would you still doubt my trust," "Everyone shut the fuck up," Sawyer interrupts "Rhett will decide what we do," "Me?," Rhett seems shocked "Your the Maestro, conduct damn it," Sawyer insist and all the others either agree or choose not to argue with Sawyer, either way all attention is put on Rhett at this point. "Ok fine, Uh..," He pauses as he tries to figure it out you can hear the Official in the back ground shouting. "2 minutes until go time!," "Hurry it up matey," Tyde rushes "Fine ok, so climbing the crag is more than speed. It has to be some one strong enough to climb and push pass the guards, so that means they need a quick step and strength so uh Sawyer runs. The chaser needs more speed but still can't get exhausted on the climb so ...," "One Minute Until go time!," The official chimes in again "Mav, Tyde and Beck will guard, I will chase. Tyde at the top he's the biggest he can be our last line of defense, that's my decision," "Then that's what we do, lets go team," Sawyer echoes in support of his partner. As the group walks towards the Crag you can hear Tyde mutter under his breath. "I thought these two hated each other," The group took their places and Sawyer gets fitted with a Camera on his helmet as he looks a few yards in front of him at a large flag with the US East logo on it. He stretches a bit as he sighs when he see the large Lars walking over and standing in front of the flag. Apparently the first guard is placed at the bottom in front of the flag. He smiled though, a chance to make Lars look dumb always made him feel better. Sawyer could hear what sounded like a commentary team coming over the loud speakers. He could only assume it was part of the coverage by ESPN. "The contenders for both teams begin to line up, we see Sawyer Wade taking the running position for US east looking across from him is none other that the massive Lars of Team Canada. On the other side of the Pinnacle is the runner for Team Canada Noah Girard and Guarding his flag is Maverick Tatum. This should be a fun event!,"With those words a large air horn is sounded and the event is off. Sawyer is off charging towards the flag, but Lars is ready for him. Lars goes to clothesline him but Sawyer ducks and continues forward. Lars is a lot quicker than he looks however and grabs Sawyer around the waist for an attempt at a German suplex. Sawyer locks his leg around Lars as he stops the move. He then quickly sends a few elbows at the head of lars. This loosens lars grip enough for Sawyer to break it completely. "Wow this gauntlet is turning into more of a wrestling match than we expected. Just seconds in and we already have Lars and Sawyer locking up with each other, if some one gets slammed though that is a hard ground not a wrestling mat,"Once free Sawyer ignores Lars and continues towards the flag. However Lars uses his long reach to grab Sawyer by the shirt and pull him back. Sawyer quickly spins around, knowing time is important he doesn't hesitate to kick Lars directly in the nuts. He then puts Lars between his legs and lifts him for a spinning pancake slam. Planting him face fire into the hard rocky ground, You can see blood gush from his nose. Sawyer stands with a evil smile turning towards the flag but then pausing for just a second. Turning back towards Lars and blowing his nose on the fallen man. "Fuck Canada," He mutters as He turns to grab his flag and start ascending up the side of the crag. "Well that got ugly really quick! Sawyer proves why the world calls him Cold Hearted, he didn't hesitate to nullify the bigger man in the cruelest way possible, thankfully we have EMTs on hand and they are checking on Lars already," With those words still lingering in the air Sawyer is already scaling up the first portion of the wall. A steep incline similar to a rock climbing wall. A spot where he has to find foot and hand holds as he goes up the wall. Meanwhile his opponent from team Canada, Noah Girad, is just grabbing his flag after managing to break free of Mavericks initial grip. This puts Sawyer in a bit of a lead as he goes up. "Canada is just a few seconds behind at this point but he is coming in fast on Sawyer. That topped with the fact that there just a few minutes away of unleashing the chaser that our runner will have to deal with for the rest of this challenge!,"Sawyer manages to reach the top of the large vertical climb but as he places his hand above his head on what seems to be a bit more solid ground he feels a large boot crush his fingers. He lets out a curse and looks up to see another member of Team Canada waiting on him. "Your not getting past me you big dope! All I got to do is keep you on this wall until Owen catches ya!," Sawyer manages to grab on to another spot and takes a moment to look over his shoulder just in time to see the chasers being released to come after him. He instantly recognizes the man chasing him down as Lars tag team partner and the other half of the Barnaby Express Owen Leblanc. "As our two runners reach the next guardian at the top of this long vertical climb the Chasers are finally released. If the Guards can manage to stall long enough it becomes a two versus one ordeal in favorite of the defending team, these runners better get moving!,"The Canadian guard continues to attempt to stomp at the hands of Sawyer as he hangs on the edge attempting to figure out a way to get to a bit better footing before Owen catches up. "You have to think by now these men have already taken on one guard and climbed a straight vertical wall, their muscles are aching and the clock is ticking. This is a hell of a spot to be. Still it looks like Girad has managed to get on the next level and just out powered Beckett taking the lead on the second half of this challenge!,"Sawyer notices Beckett being bested and decides he has to act fast, he lunges up with all his force and grabs ahold of the waist of the guard above him. The guard tosses a few double axe handle blows into the back of sawyer but instead of trying to run past the Guard Sawyer instead clinches onto him and jumps back sending both me off the side. The guard is shocked as Sawyer releases him. The guard screams in horror but is sent directly into Noah who manages to catch on to his team mates arm and keep him from falling straight down. Sawyer also manages to grab ahold of one of the hand grips and pull himself back to the side of the wall and continue his climb up. "What on earth was that?! Sawyer Wade is crazy he could of killed himself and both members of team Canada with that stunt! Still as Noah helps his friend to safety it gives Sawyer a large window to gain some ground on his chaser! He has time to make up but his team mate Rhett Dawson is a lot closer to the Canadian runner now and Sawyer seems to have bought himself a rather large window to work with,"As the two start up the next part the ground itself begins to shake as large patches of colored steam and rocks begin to explode from the top of the Pinnacle. The man made volcano is erupting right beneath them. "Well this is a hell of a twist, not only do they have to deal with the guards and the chasers but now both runners are dealing with the mountain itself trying to slow them down!,"You can see the fatigue starting to set in as Sawyer rushes up the side of the mountain as he does there are several times that the pyro explode and causes Sawyer to fall back a bit and slow him down. A few times a large boulder flies through the air and barely misses either competitor. As Sawyer finally makes it to the top there is the Last guard. The Large flat top has only one spot for a flag to be planted and on the top he sees not just his Guard but Jack Tyde already tied up with Girad. This makes Sawyer decide to try to dash right pass the Canadian guard but that was a mistake. The Guard dashes forward and spears the hell out of him causing him to hit hard into the ground. "This is so close! Both runners are on the top and it just up to which one can plant that flag first!,"As Noah and Dawson both finally reach the top things get interesting. Noah does his job and goes directly for Sawyer sending a few stiff boots on him while hes on the ground. Dawson on the other hand pauses for a moment and glances at the situation, its almost like you can see his brain working as he scans the area. Instead of helping Tyde who was about to loose his grip on Girad he instead reaches out and snatches the flag off of Girad's back and dashes over to his partner. Girad doesn't seem to notice as he breaks free and dashes for the center to plant his flag. "I don't think Girad knows he lost his flag! He can't win if he can't plant his flag!,"Dawson then runs over and whacks the guard on the back with the flag busting him open. Then uses the flag pole on Noah as well. He then turns and tosses the Canadian flag off the side of the crag and turns to look at Girad smiling as he mouths "Go fetch" Sawyer glances at his partner and once he realizes what happened he doesn't hesitate to run towards the middle and plant his flag. As he does the eruption starts and celebration confetti blast out instead. Celebration music is heard. "I'm honestly not even sure how much of that was fair or if there is any rules to this at all. But it seems that Sawyer Wade managed to plant the flag after a well played move by his partner Rhett Dawson! They out smarted their opponents and just plain beat them, if they bring this intensity to IIW I feel sorry to anyone who tries to stand in their way!,"
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