Somewhere in Manchester, UK.
OK, not just somewhere. It's the IIW Arena.
Somewhere in that arena there's a man. He's a fairly tall man, thin of frame, who's eating a pastry. This tall thin man eating a pastry is also wearing a blue denim jumpsuit. He's an angry sort of foul man, the type who's angry at the world. Probably. Maybe he's angry with his job. Maybe he's angry he's taken home one paycheck in the last 2 years. Who knows, we're not going to ask. He's the fucking janitor and this story isn't about him.
It's about this man.
This man is Liam Cain, but you're not an idiot so you already knew that.
Liam: Bring me that Bird! Get him out here right now! No need to wait for Monday!
Cain is bellowing down empty halls. There's no one around save the girl on his arm and the janitor. After all, why would anyone be around, this building is the exclusive home of Intense International Wrestling and it's Thursday night. There's no show.
Liam: What the
HELL! Where is everyone?
The Janitor looks up and down that barren empty hall.
Liam: You!
Push broom! Where the hell is everyone?
The Janitor, Charlie Schultz for those of you joining us for the first time looks at his push broom and back to Liam. Indignantly he takes a bite of pastry.
Ashley: Where did you get that?
Liam: Where is everyone? What the fuck? I'm looking to kick some ass, why isn't anyone here?
Charlie: Around.
Liam: You hear me? I'm here to kick some ass! Get ahold of someone, send that new Bird out to that goddamned ring out there and get me a ref!
Ashley: You got it out of the bin didn't you?
Liam: Why isn't anyone here? Mayhem is just around the corner and I'm going to beat someone's ass!
Janitor: Firstly,
John Wayne, back up and don't spit on my danish. Secondly, Mayhem is still on Mondays. Third it's not here, it's in Manchester, but not here. Fourth... You can't prove that.
Ashley: I thought it was a doughnut.
Liam: What do ya mean it's not here? How can Mayhem be IN Manchester, the
HOME of IIW and not be in the IIW arena? That's like coming home at night and sleeping in your barn.
Charlie: Maybe because when he tried to get in I locked Shaun Hart out.
Liam: Why?
Charlie: Thought it would be funny.
Liam: Was it?
Charlie: Yeah...
(He chuckles to himself) He was dancing all around waving his arms about.
Liam: Did he say anything?
Charlie: Probably. I couldn't hear him, the door was closed.
Liam: Then?
Charlie: Up the street. AO Arena it's called.
Liam: I have to walk up the street to kick some ass?
Charlie: Could ride your horse...
He finishes off the donut.
Ashley: Ew.
Charlie: I didn't get it out of the garbage. It was in a bin. Baguette bin. Every day there's half one in there. Don't know where it comes from, I just eat it.
Ashley: Why?
Charlie: Because it's there.
Ashley: Where's this bin?
Charlie: Up there in that office.
The three of them turn to look at an office. The name on the door reads:
OSH VAUGHAN
Janitor: DUN DUN DUN!
Ashley and Liam both look at each other, then back to the office.
Larry Fishburg, IIW's lead interviewer before his famous breakdown and subsequent incarceration in a broom closet walks bleary-eyed out of the office.
Larry: Anyone see my lunch?
Janitor: No lunches here.
Liam and Ashley look at each other again and shrug.
Charlie: This supposed to be a wrestling promo or something?
Ashley: Jury is still out on that one.
Liam: It was gonna be till no one showed up.
Charlie: We're here...
Liam: Good point.
He snatches the broom away from the janitor causing him to stumble forward enough for Liam Cain to swing the broom around and break the head off with a CRACK over the janitor's back. Larry the dufus stands there stunned until Liam swings what's left of the handle around and hits Larry in the side of the head with another CRACK splitting the handle.
Larry: Hey! Ouch!
He whimpers and scampers off down the hall with his eyes welling up with tears.
Ashley: Shouldn't have said anything...
Liam: Now that I've
COMPLETELY wasted my time, all thanks to that big idiot Tony Bird... What a stupid name! Tony you moron you should have gone home and stayed there! If you've got half a brain you're going to see this, you're going to hear my words and you're going to run off and get yourself a one way ticket back home to the quiet life of obscurity you came from before you step in the ring with me!
This is your only warning boy! You show up on Monday and I'm going to give you a taste of what these two got, then I'm going to follow it up with a course of what I served up Joe Barone on Fight Night, then if you've still got anything left in you I'm gonna pull out each one of your beady little eyes from that giant watermelon you call a head and I'm going to stick them right down the backside of your trunks so you've got the best view in the house of me kicking your ass!
I don't know what developmentally impaired idiot you let talk you into signing on the dotted line against me, but I'm gonna cut off each and every one of your fingers one by one and mail them back to him. Then I'm going to take every feather out of that Big Bird hide of yours and I'm going to make a lovely fur pillow for myself and Ashley to lay our heads down on at night and dream the dreams that only winner like us get to dream, then when I wake up on Tuesday morning, Tony Bird, with the smell of your slow roasted hide still fresh in everyone's nose from the night before I'm going to find some other sucker to sign on the dotted line to step in the ring against me and I'm gonna repeat that process over and over again until one of the cowards in IIW that hides behind ten pounds of gold like we wont know gold plating from the yellow stripe down their back finally gets in the ring with me and I permanently disfigure them or send them for that long dirty nap and I'm going to take that gold and wrap it around this woman's sexy waist and I'm going to carry the title that goes along with it against anyone else who thinks they're man enough to get in the ring with me or dumb enough to ignore the signs and I'm gonna do it all over again.
But I'm not a man of talk. I don't earn my money blowing hot air like the rest of you. I earn my money on drawing the blood of anyone silly enough to cross me, or by getting paid by someone rich enough to have me take someone out.
Monday night Tony Bird, you wanna make a debut against me? Bird hunting is easy and I'm gonna teach you all about it.
Ashley: I bet he tastes like chicken.
Liam: How do ya figure, baby girl?
Ashley: Because he's yellow like one!
The two have a good laugh as the scene fades.