OK, so like HEAR ME OUT here, K?
…I’m well aware of the fact that the majority of you don’t know me, which is fine with me, because at the end of the day, I think by the time this lil diddy concludes we will all be well acquainted! Or if you are one of them anxious types you can ask one of these silly muddah phuckers who know exactly who I am and they will be more than happy to explain the fact that you find yourself watching me on your favorite (or 2nd) streaming device is very…and I mean VERY
!!!!!F’N BaD NeWZ!!!!
WoMp WOMPPPPPPPPPPPP
Now before we jump in here, I would like to just say I also realize that my next question is a very queer one to ask coming from the majority owner of one of if not the biggest distributors of porn on God’s green earth! However I think this would go a lot smoother (and probably quicker) if we all just went ahead and
!!!!!SKiPPeD THe 4 PLAY? YaLL DoWn???...COOL!!!
Now I understand most of you are dweebs watching this comfortably from your mothers basement and hear the word foreplay and some of…well most of you are now so excited over the prospect of another key on your laptop sticking that the metaphor went way over your head. SO lemme clarify I’m not here to hand out HANDY J’s…Actually it’s kind of the exact opposite. See all I meant by that was instead of sitting here and rattling off instances and circumstances where I have come into wrestling promotions just like this one and started handing overrated shit kickers their asses, I thought I could let my hands do the talking as far as my official introduction goes.
So instead of reciting my previous accomplishments and accolades I thought maybe just make sure everyone is all caught up and current because well everything I have accomplished in the past is sort of irrelevant up to this point even if the list is longer than most of your…well you get it!
Right now the only things you all need to know about me are as followz!
Uhhh…OnCe UPoN a TiMe oR SoMeTHiNG?!...A couple of years ago…
I was the proud owner of one of the biggest rasslin promotions this world has ever known. It’s name…
Outlaw Pro Wrestling
WHeRe THE BEST BRED THE F’N BEST YA DIGG???
Don’t believe me? Well why don’t you ask your present World Heavyweight Champion where he came from? ANd while you are at it, ask him about the time I had to step from behind gorilla and inbetween the ropes so I could hand him his ass…But do it later because we got other shit we need to cover!
Scene depicts everyone's favorite blue haired, foul mouthed, drug using, alcohol abusing, smut peddling, life meddling, PaRaGoNa oF AMeRiKaNa, LA Johnny Stylez all smiles as he stands before a crowded press conference room with reporters and photographers (real ones, not some jag off blogger or podcaster that we all don’t ever listen to) as they take pictures and ask questions about what was then their biggest PPV Stairway 2 Heaven…Everyone else on stage with him is out of focus for obvious reasons…cept for PORNSTARS Rachel Starr Mason Moore and Oliva Austin ]]~
Ohhh and did I also forget to mention that the first time I left the rassling biz in the rearview I took the money I made from my historic astronomical run as a pro wrestler and sunk it into what was at the time an up and coming pornographic distribution platform that is now a world wide phenomenon known as
~$~ BRAZZERS ~$~
WHiCH MeaNZ ANYTIME YoU JERK OFFS, jerk off YA BOY GeTZ $$$$
As Johnny’s word enter your ears and march straight to your brain we see the scene switch to one of the biggest and most lavish swimming pools you have ever seen, but wait it gets MUCH BETTER…Cause in this lavish swimming pool are some of the most beautiful naked women you have ever seen in your life! There is an open bar with white tablecloth off to the side with a female bar tender wearing black bedazzled thong and bowtie, with jet black suspenders to match that hardly cover up their nipples. We see this random group of party goers laughing and enjoying the party.
We even see Johnny Stylez himself in the pool while BRAZZERS porn star Olivia Austen on his shoulders while fellow BRAZZERS porn star Jayden James on some other dude’s shoulders as they try and shove each other into the water, and incase any of you were wondering yes this day was as awesome as it looks. But before you have time to go run and grab your bottle of jergens and box of tissues the frame freezes and we once again hear the delightful voice of THE DoN oF Di$Re$PeCT…]]~
My guess is you are all wondering why I would leave this to come back to a wrestling promotion ripe with possible ass whoopings and more politics than anyone with as much moola as I have should ever have to worry about ever again right? Well the answer is actually quite simple…
!!!!!THIS IS WHAT I F’N DO!!!!!
…And oF CoURSe BY THiS I MeaN DASH HoPEZ and DReaMZ AGAINST A BRICK WALL!
…BUTTTTTT actually it kinda went a lil somethin like this here…
Suddenly the frame unfreezes and the chicken battle between Johnny and his naked porn stars resumes, and it looks like Olivia has poor Ms. James dead to rights, when a voice that is as vaguely familiar as it is irritating calls out to Johnny while he is in the pool. ]]~
Butler: EH JOHNNY I THINK YOU ARE GUNNA WANNA COME AND SEE THIS!
Then suddenly we see Olivia Austin goes flipping backwards into the water tittys flopping around and all as we see a look of pure rage shoot across his face as he stands up out of the water and we find ourselves looking at a very unflattering visage as we can see that during the two years away from the ring the man known around the world as the DoN oF Di$Re$PeCT has uh…kinda let himself go for a lack of a better term. He now has a beard (which yes is also blue) and he has packed on a couple of LBS! THe best way to describe it would be to use the way Rockett the Raccoon described Thor in the Avengers END GAME movie when he said Thor looked like melted ice cream. But the look on Johnny’s face doesn’t give us much time to really soak that in as he quickly barks back! ]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: FOR PHUCK’Z SAKE JERRY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO PHUCKIN TELL YOU?...YOU DO NOT…LET ME SAY THAT ONE MORE GIN…DO NOT SPEAK TO ME WHILE THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE!!! You are starting to make me regret wasting that money sending your bitch ass to butler school! Maybe I should have sent you to clown school instead, maybe then you’d be more amusing!
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: You didn’t send me to Butler school?
LA Johnny Stylez: Look dipshit I don’t have time to argue semantics with you, how about you do us all a got damn favor and stop gawking at my guests and explain to me why you decided to violate RULES 2-6?
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: I’m…I’m so sorry John…
Johnny’s head shoots over glaring daggers at his Butler ]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: Surely you didn’t pull me out of the Topless Chicken Fight Tournament of Death to tell me shit I already know so I’ll make you a deal! You go ahead and spit out what was so important and I won’t beat your stupid ass in public like I used to?...Ohh and that is Mr. Stylez if I have to tell you again I SWEAR!!!
Johnny’s very underpaid butler then says nothing as he points to the large 68 inch flat screen where we see the proud Intense International Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion Joe Montouri standing in the center of the ring holding his World Heavyweight Title belt high in the air for all to see. The frame then cuts back to Johnny’s face that is once again filled with rage as he launches the remote at his butler who ducks right at the perfect time as the remote goes sailing by and apparently crashed into something else as the sound of glass shattering is heard while Johnny and the two half naked girls on the couch shoot up and look at the even bigger mess than now rests somewhere in the distance we are unable to see. Johnny reaches for something else to throw as he begins to speak. ]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: You pulled me out of a very important business meeting so you can show me old tapes NO ONE WALKING GODS GREEN EARTH GIVEZ A PHUCK ABOUT? DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO GIVING HANDY J’s in CENTRAL PARK?
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: No Jo…I mean Mr. Stylez this is very very recent look!
Johnny’s attention darts back around to the television where he notices it is a commercial for IIW’s very hot weekly wrestling show called Monday Night Mayhem. We see Johnny’s eyes grow wide and his jaw drops as he watches the commercial in almost horror… ]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: WAIT..WAIT…You are telling me this is like…REAL LIFE?
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: Yes Mr. Stylez I’m afraid so!
LA Johnny Stylez: Someone…PLEASE TELL ME HOW IN THE PHUCK THEY LET THIS HAPPEN??? This is a got damn TRAVESTY! A miscarage of justice at the very PHUCKIN LEAST!!!
SO we assume you are all aware of the stigma that feeds the stereotype of blonde females right?...Well we are here to tell you most of that has to come from the blonde porn star type because this topless BIATCH on the couch speaks completely out of turn as she says… ]]~
Blonde Topless Chick #1: I dunno Johnny, I think he is kind of sexy!!!
Suddenly everything gets quiet as Johnny grabs a few of the stone coasters off the glass table in the middle of the living room and launches them into his flat screen TV.
!!!!!C.R.A.S.H.!!!!!
Is The Only SOUND WE HEAR UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING BUT SILENCE
As the Paragona of AMeRiKaNA spins around with a half smirk on his face as he seems to collect his composure as he speaks to the very attractive topless female sitting on his couch in his living room, who is apparently thinking on her own these days…]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: I’m sorry Dear, I didn’t catch your name?
Blonde Topless Chick #1: Um…my name is Brittany?
LA Johnny Stylez: ANd Brittany, I am going to go ahead and assume you work for me, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, yes?
Blonde Topless Chick #1: Um yeah you hired me this morning when you stopped at the seven eleven to get…
LA Johnny Stylez: Well Brittany YOU’RE FIRED! You’ve got four and a half minutes to collect your top and other things and then everything else that happens after that sounds like a Brittany PROBLEM! She thinks JMONT’s SEXY??? NO ONE THINKS JMONT IS SEXY! I have too many sterotypical blondes who work for me…and as far as I know no one likes a BLIND PORN STAR!!! HIT THE BRICKS SISTER!!!
Johnny goes onto continue his monologue when he is once again interrupted this time by Olivia Austen and Jayden James who are standing in the door way to the pool area with their arms crossed as Olivia asks… ]]~
Olivia Austen: Johnny are you coming or what?
LA Johnny Stylez looks up at his broken TV and then back at the girls standing there as naked as the day they were born!
LA Johnny Stylez: Sorry ladies CHANGE OF PLANS! We are going UPSTAIRS!!!
Jayden James: Upstairs…? Already?
LA Johnny Stylez: YES UPSTAIRS ALREADY! OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING HAS COME UP AND IT REQUIRES MY IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!
Olivia Austen: Well do we need to get dressed?
LA Johnny Stylez: Under no circumstance are either of you to do that! I need both of your help finding something to wear! THIS IS PARAMOUNT! Jimmy see that Ms. Brittany finds her way back to the street, and then after you are done with that as well as finish cleaning these messes you are responsible for I need you to get my agent on the phone and tell him to find a way to get me a contract with IIW!
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: But Mr. Stylez you fired your agent six months ago!?!?
LA Johnny Stylez: THEN FIND ME A NEW ONE DILDO!!! I swear to Christ!!! Come on girls we’ve got work to do!!!...As does my sad excuse for a butler!
Johnny then stands aside motioning for the girls to join him in his chambers, which they obviously take. They playfully run up the stairs bouncing and giggling with every step as Johnny looks at everyone else standing around as he flashes his trademark arrogant smirk (which is the only thing truly recognizable at this point) Johnny strokes his beard and then puts on a pair of black Rayban sunglasses as he then turns and heads up the stairs. Then as the trio disappear from sight we see Johnny’s poor butler standing there with his stupid bowtie on, as he shakes his head and goes to reach for the broom as he says under his breathe…]]~
Jerry “Johnny’z Butler” Watts: Jeeesssuuussss CHRIST he really is THE WORST!!!
Then not a moment after those moronic words left his mouth suddenly something small and plastic slams across his cheek as everyone else in the room does their best not to burst out in laughter as Jerry looks up at the stairs and finds his MASTER standing there with a shit eating grin on his face as he says…]]~
LA Johnny Stylez: And don’t you forget it neither ASSHAT! Now get to work those messes aint gunna clean themselves yerd?!?!
~[[ 4 DaYz n 19 HouRZ LaTeR ]]~
The sun has begun to set on this otherwise beautiful day as we find ourselves with a beautiful view of the sunset from the balcony of his room as we see Johnny standing there gazing out into the distance blunt in hand lost in his own thoughts. He takes a few more hits as he sighs a deep sigh and then puts it out in the ashtray on the table directly behind him. He then removes his sunglasses and steps inside.
We see his two party companions (from 4 days ago) passed out on Johnny’s large ass bed…Olivia Austin is actually still handcuffed to the bed post, but that’s a different story entirely! Johnny stops looks down and shakes his head and smiles. He then walks over to a table against the wall where the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue is comfortably resting behind two rocks glasses. Johnny opens his ice bucket grabs a few cubes and lightly toss them in the cup as he proceeds to make his drink with his back to us. He lifts his head up once its done and takes a sip.
He pauses for a brief moment and then reaches over and opens the door to his bathroom that is significantly more lavish than his pool area (even without the nekked girlz!!)
LA Johnny Stylez: Ya know what people? It’s an old saying but it’s true as any fact I ever came across, because life boys and girls and everything else in between is truly straight up
!!!!!!F’N CRAZY!!!!!!
AnD I’M HeRe 2 TeLL YA…IT ONLY GETZ WoR$e FRoM HeRe!!!
Because I always knew deep down it was only a matter of time before I wound up back earning a living inbetween them ropes! I mean don’t get it twisted kiddiez because if I have truly learned anything at all from having literally too much money to spend in a lifetime, it’s that I don’t need to do this to earn a living anymore. No...For me this time especially I am back here getting bumped and bruised with the boyz aint because I need it no…I’m here boyz and girls because this is what
~!!$!!~ THIS IS WHAT I LOVE DOING ~!!$!!~
There Are Few Things IN THiS WORLD THaT MaKe Me HaPPieR!!!!
Not the matches themselves per say, no I’d say more so than anything the one thing I absolutely love doing is taking most of your hopes and dreams and dangling them in front of your face just before I rip them to shreds and then STOMP ON WHATEVER IS LEFT!!!! The look on most of your faces after the ref had slammed his hand down onto the canvas for a third and final time and then you look up me from the flat of your back with this broken look on your faces as you realize all it took for your hopes, dreams, and ambitions to go up
!!!!!IN F’N SMoKE!!!!!
WAS 3 F’N SeCoNDZ!!!!
Then the cats out of the bag and everyone and their mama knows every word that came out of your mouth or even popped into your brain before telling you how “great” you are was nothing but one gigantic triceratops from the first Jurrasic Park PiLE OF STANKING, SMELLY
!!!!!S.H.I.T.!!!!!
And There Aint SHIT YoU CaN DO BOUT IT CEPT MAYBE CRY!!!
But every single time I have ever tried leaving this business in the rearview, there is always something calling and nagging the phuck out of me that eventually I can’t ignore or escape and that is the simple fact that without me here to hold you PHUCKSOX accountable everything eventually goes back to shit! Why? I wish I knew, but now more so than ever I know that this time I have returned and I won’t leave until each and every last pair of eyes that watches IIW programming knows and understands from this point forward what true greatness is. Because the sad state of affairs is most of you phucking snowflakes wouldn’t know REAL GREATNESS IF IT SLAPPED YOU UPSIDE
!!!!!YOUR STUPID F’N FACE!!!!!
…Well NOT YET ANYWAY!!!!
Which brings me to these two butt jokerz they have lined up for me! One of these fuggin MO-MO’s calls himself THe Robot….Really my dude
???THE RoBoT???
…WHAT ARE YOU 6?...LAME ASS!!!!
I really hope that is just some stupid moniker and not a gimmick, because if you come down to the ring dressed like Robocop, I’ma bash your head into something jagged just on GP! I mean I am low key kind of insulted. I have to sit here and even talk about this asshat, but every streak has to start somewhere right? Listen to me for a second here RoBoCoP cause let’s just for fun say the whole RoBoT MAGOO is just a moniker and you come out here and hit us with that “IM LIKE A MACHINE RAWRRRR”...
!!!!!YEAH YEAH? YA KNOW HOW MANY TIMES WE DUN HEARD THAT SHIT???
Honestly now that I’m sitting here thinking about it I really don’t know which one I hope it is more…You coming out here and insisting your resolve is like the Terminator or if you actually have the sack to walk from behind the curtain dressed like him? Either way you deserve to be severely beaten in public for being a TOTAL LAME ASS, and unfortunately for you SHERMINATOR this will be one of those instances in life where you actually get what you deserve! Making a living in between the ropes is a privilege reserved for only those who deserve it. You are just some moron with a pair of tights, probably some plastic metal sprey painted shoulder pads, and no imagination! You Mr. Sherminator believe this or not are the reason I ultimately decided to return to the ring because well…Quite frankly there are way
!!!!!2 F’N MANY!!!!
MoRoNZ LIKE YOU RuNNiN AROUND!!!
And for a lack of a better phrase it is time to cull the heard once more before the real work can begin! SO look do yourself a favor dipshit, and stay hidden where you are presently and don’t bother opening your mouth to say anything because whether you like it or not asswipe, when the bell rings at Mayhem I am going to climb inside of that ring and forcefully shove each and every moronic thing that falls out of your mouth between now and then right back down
!!!!!YOUR BITCH ASS THROAT!!!!!
We’re TALKING COMPLETE SYSTEM FAILURE SHERMINATOR!!!
Now scram PHUCKSOCK I’ve wasted enough of my breath and precious time talking about someone who really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things! Which brings us to a one Anthony King…Hey Tony you mind if I call Tony?...Ohh wait that’s right I don’t care…So check this out Tony I asked around about you…And you wanna know what they told me?
!!!!!NoTHiNG MUCH!!!!
…Seriously The Most Positive Thing I Heard Was That You SHOW UP!
Which ya know…GOOD FOR YOU and all that shit, but if the point of this is going over your head allow me to elaborate! I asked some of your peers what they think about you, and they really said He’s Nothing Special, But HE SHOWS UP!...You know what we used to call phuck mooks like you in this line of work? Someone unremarkable and just shows up to catch an asswhoopin or two? We call those
!!!!J.O.B.B.E.R.Z.!!!!
But Hey At Least You Get THE SHOWING UP AWARD right?
That has to count for something and like I said earlier my climb to the top has to begin somewhere right? And well the bottom rung of the ladder is simply that…THE BOTTOM RUNG!!! SO while normally I would be furious about having to soak my hands in J-BRONE BLOOD! But this match was never about you or the Sherminator! This match is about the dramatic shift in power that is fixing to happen with every passing week of my presence here in Intense International Wrestling! But you know that already don’t ya Tony? Even if you suddenly were to get inspired by insults I’ve hurled at you during these few moments and decided to make a stand know that will be the hill you
!!!!!F’N DIE ON!!!!
…Cause You’re Best Aint My WORST WHILE I’M SLEEPING!!!
I mean look you two moronz caught a real bum rap here, because I am coming to Mayhem to make a point, a very specific point. To send a message loudly and clearly that the ground beneath everyone’s feet has shifted…The bar has officially been raised, and life as you all knew it ended when I started talking a few minutes ago! I came to take this magnificent start that has been IIW up to this point and we are going to go straight to the top further than all of you could have ever taken it even if you combined all of your efforts! Which brings me to my closing thoughts on all of this. SO Sherminator and Tony NOBODY listen up, because going forward you don’t have to like or agree with me, but you will accept me and the changes I bring to this place. But just know I am going to create a world where weaklings like the two of you won’t have a place. SO I sincerely suggest you two enjoy the few fleeting moments of your career as a pro rassler, because I promise all of that ends in a few short days when I once again climb inside of that ring and force you and everyone else watching to
!!!!!!!SoaK!!!!!!!
!!!!!!SoMe!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!UP!!!!!!!!!
…My GOD IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK!!!!!
Johnny goes to exit his bathroom when he stops and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes squint as we see him first observe his scraggly beard and of course the pudgy belly. He then recalls why he brought Jayden James and Olivia Austin up to the room with him in the first place. But as his eyes shot over to the bed where they were sleeping so hard he had to make a mental note to go over and make sure they were alive…But he is still only human and can only sort one problem at a time.
So he takes a deep breath and opens his closest. From what we are able to see from our vantage point is one huge ass full closet from wall to wall…Ya know it’s got the normal shit. Tailor made suite, shoes, t-shirts that say FUCK YOU. He stands in his closet and flashes that arrogant smirk of his as he closes the door, a moment or two lapses and suddenly the door swings open and Johnny steps out. His beard and his pudgy belly are completely gone. All that is left is a clean shaven face sporting the most arrogant smirk you’ve ever seen. A pair of black cargo shorts with a silver chain wallet running from his back pocket to his front, and a maroon t-shirt with a picture of the state of ALABAMA on it and around it read the words “GOD BLESS AMERICA, EXECPT ALABAMA FUCK ALABAMA!!!! He then reaches over and grabs his black raybans and puts them on as his eyes turn from the camera to the situation in his bed, and as he slams the door right in all of your faces you find yourself struck with the same notion you have always been struck with at the conclusion of one of these. Cause yeah he is a real life phucking asshole, but still make no mistake about it because this time like all the others
…Has Been YOUR PLea$uRE!!!!
4:19
GoT
-A-
??MiNuTe??
...Bad DoN'T USuaLLy LooK THi$ GooD HuH???