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Post by Tristian King on Jul 4, 2023 10:18:55 GMT
Match Three
Legacy Champion Number One Contender
Monster Ball Match
(Must make your opponent bleed before pinning them)
Johnny Stylez vs Ryan Hawkins vs Andy Donahue
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Post by Johnny Stylez on Jul 15, 2023 15:23:36 GMT
…well, WeLL, WELL another Mayhem in the books and here we are headed for greener pastures already! It appears as if the ass smashings I’ve dolled out recently haven’t gone unnoticed because this week I find myself competing for an opportunity to challenge for some gold around here at my first pay per view!
???SuRPRiZeD??? …Yeah Me EITHER!!! But nonetheless here we IZ!!! And, well right now where here is, is in some butthole town in Japan that’s in between where we was and where I need to be in order to wake up Tuesday Morning as the next person in line to hoist the IIW Legacy title high in the air! Which ya know we will get to that shit in a bit cause right now we got bitness to attend to! As you all saw for yourselves last week as you all piled into the arena where Mayhem was you could not enter the building without passing a torched semi truck that also contained every single thread of IIW merchandise there was to be had. But guess what?...I fuggin
!!!!ToRCHeD THaT SHiT TOO!!!! …AnD FoR THe ReCoRD I EnJoyED EVeRy F’N MiNuTe oF IT!!! However I do realize the problems this causes not just for the overpaid and over hyped DIPSHITS who make up the IIW roster, but also the average IIW fan who has been saving up all their YIN to buy a very overpriced JMONT t-shirt! So being the man of the people that I am, I made a call to my guy who works for this other guy and answers to this other guy that works for me sometimes and well suffice to say after a very long story your boy went out on a limb for you the average dumb phuck wrestling fan who happily pay my bills. I just have one question…
???YaLL WaNT IIW MERCH??? …CaUsE I GOTCHA!!! SO…here we are…half way to the next Mayhem and for here tonight only I bring you the only IIW Merchandise that will be sold on the remaining IIW Japanese tour! So um…guys, pull up the phuckin the merch already AINT NO DEMAND WITHOUT SUPPLY…AM I RiGHT???...of course I am! As soon as Johnny stops speaking suddenly we hear the sound of engines cranking and suddenly we see Johnny standing in the middle of an empty parking lot as the tale lights of three large black SUV’s illuminate the darkness around him and all three vehicles reverse until all three SUV’s are directly behind LA Johnny Stylez. Johnny digs in his pockets and removes his platinum 4 1 9 cigarette case and removes one of his preroll blunts and pops one in his mouth, as the drivers of the vehicles (all Japanese) get out and open the trunks. As the doors slowly swing open we see the backs of these SUV’s have been set up like little individual merch stands. The drivers then place individual labels above the the trunk and after a few moments we are able to read the labels which bare the names of the two dildos Johnny will be facing in a few short days. The first label we see clearly is from the vehicle to the left and is one that says
!!!!!!ANTHONY DONAWHO? …EXACTLY!!!! …Which then brings us to the one in the center as the camera slowly pans over to watch Johnny place the second label on the center SUV that reads…
!!!!!RYAN WHOGIVEZASHIT Hawkins?? ANd then Johnny walks over to the third and final SUV/Merch stand and places the third and final label on the top of that SUV that reads…
!!!!!THe ReST oF YOU F’N D-BaGZ!!!!! (Yes I’m ReFFeRiNG 2 YOU) Johnny takes a few steps backwards to admire his quaint little black market of the hottest collection of unofficially unlicensed Intense International Wrestling merchandise in all of Japan! Johnny then walks over to an unlit part of the scene and turns around holding a black leather briefcase. He walks over to a short man standing in front of two only kinda short Japanese dudes dressed in matching black tuxedos. Johnny slightly bows and hands the briefcase to the short Japanese fella right in front of him. The man hands the case to the man to his right and then they stand back and open the case at an angle where we can’t see what was in there as we are looking directly at the front of the case in its folded upward position. The two tuxedo twins smile and give, who we all assume is their employer, a confident nod as the short bald man with thick black rimmed round glasses turns back to face Johnny and bows. As the man stands back up right he extends his hand to Johnny who gladly receives and returns the gesture. The man then turns and leads his lackeys to whatever destiny has in line for them next. Johnny then faces the camera standing in front of all three SUV’s with the open trunks with that arrogant smirk most of you have or at least will come to loathe flashes across the screen as he stands up straight and turns his neck making a popping sound as the smirk curves into a full blown smile as he begins to speak… LA Johnny Stylez: Ladies!!! GENTLEMEN…AND Uhh…EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN!!! Come on in and get them while they are HOT! Hurry get your very unofficial IIW merchandise…Because due to some very hot circumstances last week(HA See WHaT I DiD THeRe??) if you live in Japan and want to purchase IIW merch I’m afraid this is your only shot! But don’t you worry! Just because it isn’t legally sanctioned by the powers that be in the IIW front office doesn’t mean this merch I have for you here tonight isn’t a picture perfect reflection of the uh…I mean I guess I’ll use the word
!!!!T.A.L.E.N.T.!!!!! Just NoTe I USe THIS TERM VERY LooSELy In ThIS SITCHEATION!!!! But still people, as a former owner of my own pro wrestling company I can tell you I have more than enough experience coming up with marketable merchandise that perfectly encapsulates who and what some of these over paid professional curtain jerkers
!!!!TRULY ARE!!!! But Enough With THa THeaTRiX LeT’S GeT DoWn TO BiTNE$$!!! First up we have one of the two assbags I am facing at the up and coming Mayhem…He calls himself Anthony Donahue…Which as you just heard on paper aint that marketable of a name…So using the marketing genius at my disposal I took the liberty of just making a minor tweak here and another there to help sell who and what he really is…So ladies and gentlemen may I reintroduce to you the best bag carrying sun of a gun this side of the PACIFIC…MISTAHHHHH
!!!!!ToNy NoBoDy!!!!! It Really SUITS HIM DONTCHA THINK??? Cause ya know in doing my research before this match I dug up all there was to dig up about this shit kicker and well the only things I was really able to nail down as actual facts, were the facts that inspired this first piece! The only thing of note Mr. NoBoDy has done around the IIW lately was get his
!!!!!BReaX BeaTeN oFF HiM!!!!! …BY JMONT!...PROVING WHAT??? …That yes he may be a esteemed member of some faction that I wasn’t even aware existed till three hours ago, but the one thing Mr. NoBoDy’s actions have proved thus far that while he stands next to him or really behind him if we are gunna take the REALITY ROUTE, was that he may be many things but one thing he is not is… …Johnny Stylez walks over and grabs a tshirt out of an open briefcase and unfolds it and holds it so all the world can see it. It is a black and white stripped baseball jersey the front is the logo of John Cavanaugh’s faction and on the back is the bold numeral
~!$!~ 2 ~!$!~ …And Above It Bares THe NAME…NOT CAVANAUGH!!!! LA Johnny Stylez: Yes you may carry his bags, do his hair and nails and tickle the ole pickle when he requires but you good sir have proven yourself to be nothing but
!!!!!F’n CaNNoN FoDDeR!!!!! …IMAGINE THE $$$ IF PEOPLE STILL USED CANNONS?!?! So basically what I’m tryin to tell you and everyone else about you is that if this was a Long Time AGO in a GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY YOU MY BOY WOULD BE A
!!!!F’N SToRM TRooPeR!!!! You Suck At Fighting But Are ReaLLy GooD AT FALLING DOWN…See It’S PERFECT!!! But ya know what I get it, I guess? Maybe that analogy is a little too on the nose and perhaps not as motivating and as uplifting as it should be, because ya know in this day and age we are supposed to respect each other right?
!!!!!BAAAMMMMPPPP!!!!! WRoNG…GUeSS AgAiN!!!! My name is LA Johnny Stylez but I am known the world over by another name…One that more accurately describes who and what I am. They call me THE DoN oF Di$Re$PeCT! ANd I’ll tell ya this right now Tony NoBoDy, if you want respect from me you have to do it the old fashioned way…The HARD WAY, and so far you haven’t fared so well against the hard way have ya
?#2? I Mean I’m Sorry I Don’t Mean To Make FuN…Wait YES I DO!!!!
But like I said we get it we get it…Which is why I went ahead and made this next piece of hot merch specifically for you! I know we may run into some gimmick infringement charges down the line…But at the end of the day I believe in calling a spade a spade and knowing what hills to die on..And this one Mr. Nobody I feel is one of those metaphorical battles because not only does this change you’re entire STUPID LOOK, but it also gives you something to live up to…Well ya know maybe I should just go ahead and show you, because the merch speaks for itself! Johnny reaches into the SUV and pulls out a large plastic bag that holds a cheap knock off Robin Halloween costume. Well it’s kind of a Robin costume see everything from the green dazy dukes, to the bright green and red spandex…the only thing that really separates the two is instead of having an R printed on his chest it was replaced with the initials…NC
!!!!!(NOT CAVANAUGH)!!!! ya know for what we really thought this dudes name was until we bothered to look it up… Johnny’s smirk allows us all to take in John Cav’s J-BRONE BUTLER’s new ideal look that as humiliating as it is would still be a massive improvement over the present! Johnny then tosses the bag back in the trunk and presses the button closing the trunk down, and as he walks over to the middle one he continues to speak. LA Johnny Stylez: Look the comic book nerd in me has to point something out before we move forward K?...I know I picked a Robin costume for you to wear but let’s be clear about one thing the only thing you have in common with the Boy Wonder is that given the chance the fans would have a say on whether or not to see you killed by the Joker or in your particular circumstance (ME) they would most likely vote to watch me bang your face into something jagged before they suffer through another one of your half wit promos and lame dick matches! Basically more or less what I’m saying to you Mr. NOTCAVANAUGH is that despite your best efforts in the ring you have proven yourself nothing more than a
!!!!F’N SIDE KICK!!!! …SO LIKE THE BOY WONDER ONLY WITHOUT THE WONDER!!!!
But again just in the spirit of HoNeSTy and what not, let’s be fair about this and once again call a spade a spade because I know for a fact I would be remiss if I didn’t stop for a moment to point out that based on your accomplishments and current standing with the locker room or even pro wrestling in general to compare you to Dick Grayson…or even Jason Todd is like comparing a steamy pile of giraffe shit to a
!!!!!SuNSeT!!!!! CaUsE AT THe EnD oF THe Day I’D SAy YoU ARE MORE LIKE ALFRED!!! SO do yourself a favor MORON and stick to what you are good at! Making sure John Cavanaugh has fresh tighty whities for JMONT to get all in a twist at some point down the road! Because what need is he going to have for a Butler once he is forced to accept the fact that from here on out he will be the official FORMER IIW Champion…? I know that’s a lot to take in, but don’t you worry
!!!!!!PHuCK MooK!!!!! …I GOT FLOORS THAT NEED MOPPING TOO!!!!
See ya round the way Mr. Nobody!!! Johnny walks over to the center SUV and we see a large black t-shirt hanging on a hanger. We see a picture of Ryan Hawkins knocked down in the center of the ring and above the photo written in white italics reads JESUS MAY LOVE RYAN HAWKINS…and then underneath the photo in bold print reads the rest
!!!!BuT THe ReST oF US THiNK YOU F’N SUCK!!!! …WHAT DO YOU THINK??? KINDA PERFECT RIGHT??? LA Johnny Stylez: I mean eye catching, elegant, and one hundred percent accurate! HA
!!!!NaILeD IT!!!! …BUT WAIT THERE’Z MORE!!!!
Johnny pulls out a large box as he draws a switch blade knife from his back pocket. He carelessly slashes the tape in the center and then tears the rest open with his hands as he pulls out a single book. On the cover it says
THE RYAN HAWKINS “GooD BooK” 2nd EDITION… Johnny then opens the book and reveals that the pages contain no proverbs or even words at all…It is nothing more than a FINDING DORI COLORING BOOK! Johnny arrogantly smirks at the camera as he chuckles to himself before going to speak! LA Johnny Stylez: Yup this shit is gunna sell it self I TELL YA! Because incase the point has gone completely over your phucking head Senior Hawkins I seen ya around since I been here these last few weeks and I gotta tell ya the gimmick you are running with this good book nonsense would probably be more tolerable I dunno if it wasn’t maybe
!!!!!The Literal 2948576737285857462774th Time We’VE Seen IT!!!!! …And As Far As This Lame GiMMICK GOES YOU TOATZ SUCK AT IT MY G!!! And I find myself saying this week in and week out, but it’s assbag’s just like you that I feel have truly compelled me to make my return to the ring! Because useless shitbags such as yourself saw someone way more talented than you pull this cheap heat gimmick off way back when, probably just before you also came out of the closet but I digress, and you grew up some how got into this business and thought you’d try and rape the cheap heat for all it’s worth…And that is the problem with cheap gimmicks full of cheap talk…But I guess that is the reason most people
!!!!!BUY IT!!!!! …But MOST PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!!! You get what you pay for and you Ryan Hawkins are a knock off of a got damn
!!!!!KNOCK OFF!!!!!! TiRED ANd OVER PLAYED LIKE DON’T STOP BELIEVING!!! Only difference is most would argue Journey actually has talent! You have nothing to back any of your claims…Because what is going to happen when a sinner such as me…Someone as arrogant, as rude and just down right mean comes and
?SHIT KICKS YOU IN PUBLIC? How Much You Wanna Bet I Don’t GET SMITED???
The only way anything about this MO-MO gimmick of yours makes any kind of sense is after it is all said and done at Mayhem I hope that at least some of your gimmick is based on something real because the only mercy or reprieve you are going to get from anyone Monday Night will have to come from
!!!!!THE ALMIGHTY!!!!! CAUSE I PROMISE YOU’LL GET NONE FROM ME!!! As a matter of fact PHUCK BOY if you want to get technical of the two of us I think I am the one who does more of the LORDS work than you have or will ever do! Because in order to build this place up to reach the greatness that it has the potential to someone has to come around and uproot the weeds(like you not the good ones). And to do that I have had to start at the bottom and go through every bottom feeding dick head put in front of me. That is all you are Ryan Hawkins nothing more and a WHOLE LOT LESS! As for me, well you might as well from this moment forward add to my already long list of monikers and nicknames because it would appear obvious at this point that one thing I am aside from just flat out being BETTER THAN YOU, I’d say it’s fair to refer to me as
!!!!!IIW’S NECESSARY EVIL!!!!! …And You Ryan Are JUST UN-NECESSARY!!! The rules of the matches simply state that I have to make one or both of you bleed before I can pin you and move on to what I am destined for. The light at the end of this very dark J-BRONE TUNNEL is just within reach and all I have to do is what I have done so far, which is take out Intense International Wrestling’s
!!!!!GaRBaGE!!!!! I’d say after this One YOU CAN CONSIDER MY DUES F’N PAID IN FULL!!! If either of you think that for the briefest moment that there is anything I wouldn’t do…Any low I wouldn’t stoop to ensure my slow and steady climb up the ladder continues? The both of you combined have hardly scrapped enough accomplishment together to be considered mediocre..Which is fine, as I have stated several times in the path…Every ladder needs rungs…And yes that also means
!!!!THE BOTTOM ONES!!! (I’M TaLKING AB YoU TwO DOUCHE CANOES!!!!) Because you see that is what this is all about! This is why despite both of your best efforts between the both of you, you hardly deserve the scraps you have been given up to this point! The reason this is more about me than the both of you combined is because unlike you and pretty much unlike everyone on the roster I didn’t come here to tear this place down or “burn this place to the ground” I came here to do the exact opposite! For instance I’ve made claims about raising the bar, and that is precisely what I plan to do! Even if I have to drown every single J_BRONE PHUCK MOOK this place has to offer and from what I can tell there are A LOT OF YOU! And Yes Mr. Tony NoBoDy and Ryan Hawkins you two definitely may count yourselves among these! Because well true story neither of you have that special thing that separates the GREAT from…well the rest of you…And once again I used to run a wrestling promotion so I know what to look for…And after looking at you two insignificant nutstains even Stevie Wonder could see that even if you combine your efforts the two of you couldn’t draw even if your arms were
!!!!!!PENCILS!!!!! …I WOULD MAKe A DICK JOKE, BUT THAT’S LOW HANGING FRUIT RIGHT JAYCE??? So my suggestion to the two of you at this point is quite simple. If you are sitting waiting in the wings for me to come out here and do what I do just so you can fire back, I have to say I humbly counsel against such nonsense because there aint nothing either of you can say that is going to change the fact that Tuesday Morning there will be a new #1 contender for the Legacy Title and I think everyone and their mama knows it won’t be
!!!!!!EITHER OF YOU!!!!! …HA…DON’T MAKE ME F’N LAUGH!!!
But let’s just for fun say either of you poke your heads above water and do start running those MAN PLeaSiNG HOLES you call your mouths then the only fate that awaits you is to choke back down every single word of it and from my experience morons like the two of you don’t take being force fed their own bullshit very well! It might sound pleasing coming out but I promise you when it is cramped down your throat it doesn’t taste so good! And incase you were wondering kiddos that is precisely what it’s like when your boy takes time out of his busy schedule to make sure the both of you bleed, loose and then of course
!!!!SoaK!!!! !!!!SoMe!!! !!!!!!UP!!!!! (NOW IT’S ALL OVER CEPT THE CRYIN)
…Now as for the rest of yas…If you want the rest of this wild IIW merch you’ll simply have to wait for Mayhem because from what I understand it should be one hell of a show! SEE YOU PUSSIES THERE!!! Johnny closes the middle trunk and then walks over to the third SUV and lowers the trunk as well we see from random faces before the trunk door closes on some of his merch…We see a tshirt with Max Stone’s face as well as two M.I.A> shirts as well..SO please make sure you join us for Mayhem because it is going to be ONE HELL OF A PARTY!!! Johnny Stylez then flicks away what’s left of his pre roll blunt and then walks to the driverside of the black SUV and he gets in. The door slams shut but we are able to see the window roll down and the arm of Johnny Stylez hangs in the air as his middle finger proudly extended as he cranks the engine. As the engine turns we hear CANDY PAINT by Post Malone playing loudly as Stylez steps on it. The vehicle kicks up loose gravel and some even goes flying into the camera lens breaking it, so with a cracked view we watch as our PaRaGoNA oF AMeRiKaNa drives off into the distance as we head towards one of the biggest Monday Night Mayhems in recent memory…Still leaving you with the notion you are always left at the end of these, which is of course that while it may have been offensive one truth you cannot shake is the simple fact that this
…HaS BeeN YoU’RE PLea$uRE!!!! See ya TWAT WAFFLES AT MAYHEM!!!
4:19 GoT -A- ??MiNuTe??
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