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Post by Osh Vaughan on Apr 19, 2021 0:11:18 GMT
Hollywood Title No.1 Contenders Match Jason Myers vs Mickey Kinkade vs Stoner vs vs
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Post by Stoner on Apr 29, 2021 23:00:27 GMT
You'd think that mid-70's temperatures might feel pretty alright. But not on the Texas Coast while the humidity plays around in the high 80% and low 90% region. And most definitely not around two in the afternoon when the sun has had time to release all of its rage at every surface it can reach for a couple hours. So it was only natural that Stoner - the understanding individual that he is - was only a bit upset that the senior class of Texas City High School was paying him and his touch screen mall kiosk and wrestling ring in the middle of their football field little mind as they mumbled and grumbled their way to their friends in the bleachers.
Principal Mysterio Jr., donning a very expensive orange lucha mask with a black stingray on the side, beams proudly as he stands between Stoner and the screen upon which we see the animated figure of Nathan Wisdom. After the students had settled down, Principal Mysterio Jr. leans into the microphone and clears his throat in a failed attempt to get the attention of the students. Stoner, looking down at his watch, only has a single thought. "Ain't nobody got time for this." He steps up to the microphone in order to say something hilarious until he sees NC-17 running at him full speed from across the field.
Stoner smiles big and holds his arms out for a hug. He hadn't expected NC-17 to show his support and be here for the big speech and wanted his friend to know how much he was appreciated. Stoner's big, dumb grin is quickly smothered as NC-17 doesn't even pretend to reduce his speed and kicks Stoner directly in the cock and balls. Dropping to the ground in pain like a man whose genitals had been unjustly assaulted, Stoner can only try to apply pressure to staunch the pain as a group of douchebags in the bleachers go wild. Principal Mysterio Jr., unaware of the group's dynamic, can only stare in confusion for a few seconds before realizing that the antics had managed to grab the attention of most of the students. Not one to let the attention span of not-yet-fully developed minds slip away he takes the opportunity to begin the presentation.
"Um, yes. Hello students! Today we have a spe-"
Stoner's voice cracks as he shrieks in agony. "I think you popped one!" he shouts. Principal Mysterio Jr. realizes that Stoner's moans are going to be picked up by the microphone. He continues anyway.
"A special presentation from a graduate of the Texas City High School! Here to deliver a motivational speech is IIW Hollywood Champion and our very own David Hilm!" Principal Mysterio Jr. begins clapping and beams with unmistakable hometown pride. The students, on the other hand, seem largely more interested in their phones. There did seem to be one very appreciated group of friends at the top of the bleachers appeared to be pretending to mimic Stoner's trip to the gyno a few weeks back.
Oblivious to the rage seething out of NC-17 and Nathan Wisdom, Stoner manages to get back to his feet and gives the kids a shaky thumbs up. Before anyone can get too excited he takes the mic from Principal Mysterio Jr. He needed to get this ball rolling before anyone caught on to what it was he was trying to do here exactly.
"Howdy folks! A little disclaimer, I may have been counting chickens that hadn't hatched yet when I made the appointment for this little shindig. Principal Mysterio Jr., I did not actually win that title. Or the match for a title shot before that. Or either title shot opportunity in that one match."
A voice rings out from the audience, piercing into his soul with its bitter sting of truth.
"Jesus Christ you suck!"
Stoner does his best to seem unphased, though his expression gives him away to anyone who knows him.
"Thank you! Don't know what I or my self-esteem would do without you!" Shake it off Stonerman he thinks to himself. Just do your job and sell your ass off! He takes a deep breath, followed by the classic coke-clap before continuing.
"As you've all undoubtedly been told in your lives, its not every day that a great offer is just thrown at you. While we may live in the land of opportunity, those opportunities tend to be few and far between. So when you see a good one, you gotta grab it and hold on for dear life.
NC-17 rolls his eyes at Stoner's audacity. It had taken long enough, but the fact that he just wasn't going to cut it as a singles competitor may have finally made it through his thick-assed skull and now he was looking for a tag partner. NC-17 had heard rumors that IIW had plans to expand its tag team division. Obviously it was only a matter of time before the adorable little burnout came trying to lure him out of retirement.
"Well kiddos, have I got an opportunity for you."
He didn't think Stoner would stoop so low as to try and recruit a bunch of kids though.
"You see guys, and really just the guys for reasons that will become all-too apparent in a minute, I've recently come into some ground-floor insider knowledge in regards to a very profitable industry. And out of all the influential folks I know I figured I would open this up to my home town before letting anyone else have a crack at it."
Stoner smirks, his cart decidedly in place before the horse. You sly sumbitch, he thinks to himself. You just might pull this off. Was it really going to be this easy?
"As it turns out, and as all of you are surely well aware, on occasion in life you might fight that there's a hole that needs filling, and that you're the only one who can be trusted to to the job. And while, in a general sense, Stonerman is the man who Stoner-can, sometimes he finds himself falling just a little bit short of stamina. Ain't no shame in it, it is what it is."
NC-17 tries to bury his face into his hands hoping this nightmare would just end. This was just getting fucking sad now. As if on cue the touch screen kiosk flickers to life showing a silhouette of a man in a shrugging pose with a big bold question mark across the chest.
"So what's a guy to do when he's done gave her all he's got - one hundred and ten percent - but it just isn't enough. How can you possibly recover when you've gone soft but they're screaming more! More! MORE! Why, that's easy. That's when you remember you convinced your wealthy parents to invest in the world's first ever sports drink that ensures you have the fortitude to fornicate with the confidence you need!"
All of the adults immediately become concerned as Stoner smacks the screen of the kiosk and it swaps to an image of a large plastic bottle with the word "KINKADE" in big bold letters. Stoner's smile of pride triggers NC-17 to hide his thinly veiled amusement as he shakes his head and turns to Nathan Wisdom, who looked like he was on his phone with his lawyer to establish his alibi for the legal proceedings that would surely stem from this event. Had to admit, it was kind of amusing to see that Stoner could still surprise them after all these years of shenanigans. Maybe there was hope for the big lug yet.
"This ain't your pappy's sports drink, no sir! This is one hundred percent "au naturel" and it is guaranteed keep your ship rocking at full mast for as long as it takes to sati-"
He cuts off as NC-17 pulls his hand with the microphone away from Stoner's face. Stoner tilts his head questioningly and gives his most innocent expression. Principal Mysterio Jr. on the other hand begins looking for the off-switch to the kiosk, keenly aware of the potential legal issues should too many students manage to snap pictures with their phones. NC-17 takes a deep breath before addressing his friend.
"Dave, what the fuck dude?" His confusion is barely able to overshadow his rage. "This has to be your most shit idea since using laser tag for your cardio workout. Do you realize what kind of shit you can get Nate in with this stunt?"
Stoner puffs his cheeks out before exhaling loudly. "I mean Nate's the reason I did it! He says I still owe him for the whole Fast Action thing. I was hoping that introducing these youthful but definitely legal adults with my targeted advertising I could get one of their parents to invest in this little startup of mine."
He pulls the microphone back up, despite the fact that his voice was being picked up the whole time anyway. "Because when you invest in Stoner, you get green in return!" Stoner gives a wink to NC-17 who had grown so pissed he was suppressing the urge to vomit. He grabs Stoner by the shirt and yanks him in close. "Hey man watch the wrinkles."
"You'd think I fucking know better by now than to ask this question. Do you have to work at being this god damned stupid or does it just come fucking naturally?" Stoner's blank stare and a small amount of drool pooling around his lip is the only response NC-17 gets. "You dipshit burnout. Why the fuck do I let you rope me into these stupid-ass schemes?"
Another voice from the audience, this time from one of the guys pretending to flash asshole earlier.
"You suck worse than he does!"
NC-17 flips the bird at the students and leans into the mic. "Fuck you your future school shooter. I'm trying to save this man's fucking brand! Clearly he got the idea for this stupid drink when he saw his match this week -"
"I have a match this week?"
"-And what his brain didn't put the fuck together is that he can't sell this terrible product since Mickie Kinkade probably already owns the rights to the Kinkade name!"
This is clearly news to Stoner, whose brain goes through the realization process and stops once it gets to the point that NC-17 had just made. Oh this was bad. This was very bad. This was about as bad a situation as could happen right now short of the cops showing up and realizing how much pot he had baggied up in his pockets. This was twice his debts to Nathan had caused him problems today.
"Oh hell. If I try and sell it now all the proceeds will go to Macky! All of my research and development costs I wanted to recoup, instead would become profit for his wallet? Oh this is a disaster. NC-17? Nathan? What do I do?!"
Nathan rolls forward with a hand raised.
"Well Dave, I think the answer is obvious. If you win this match against Murphy Kinkade you may have legal grounds to take the Kinkade trademark to use as you please. And, also, a chance at the Hollywood Title. But if you lose you give up any claim to the name. And also this terrible, terrible idea."
Stoner nods, taking a moment to weigh Nathan's totally accurate assessment of the law.
"This may be one of the single most important matches I've ever been in. Quite possibly of all time. Ever. I cannot allow Marybeth Kinkade to achieve victory in this match, for if I do... I give up on my dream of milking billions from rich folk via a clever scheme forever."
Nathan can only watch in amazement as Stoner begins to pace around the ring. He slowly rolls over to NC-17 and nudges him with a corner. "What do you think his R&D costs were?"
NC-17 snorts with derision. He'd be questioning Nate's credentials as a billionaire if he didn't know it for a fact himself. "I'd bet you're entire fuckin' fortune its Green Gatorade and crushed up dick pills."
Nathan shakes his head as Stoner begins trying to explain to Principal Mysterio Jr. why what he was doing with the presentation was technically legal. It doesn't appear to be going well. "You're probably right. Silver linings, if they call the cops on him at least he might get his cardio in before the match with Kinkade."
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