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Post by Shaun Hart on Dec 24, 2021 20:37:10 GMT
Match Seven Singles Match Liam Cain vs Axel Van Osbourne
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Post by Liam Cain on Jan 15, 2022 14:11:20 GMT
Bob Mitchell's office (again). It's an unusual scene in the smaller office with the cream coloured walls. Usually this office is packed beyond capacity, but today it's only Bob along with former TV Champion, Liam Cain.
Bob: Well...
Liam is holding the noose that was laying on Bob's desk, running the rough rope through his hands.
Liam: Well I had it, but I didn't leave it here. Was probably that damned janitor.
Bob: I'm going to shoot that fuck. Now, you have anything else to say on your behalf?
Liam: What do ya want me ta say, Bob? I took that Scotty Adams lightly. You had us runnin' around doin' a million other things makin' sure that show went off without someone jumpin' in and tryin' ta ruin it that I overlooked the slimey lil' bastard and he stole my belt!
Bob: Stole!
Liam: Don't tell me you didn't notice how fast that damned count was! Like one second and it was over! I catch that ref in the halls somewhere and he and I are gonna have words. So way I see it I could chase my tail around getting the TV Title back, or I can get back on the trail and get the title I'm still the number one contender to, the UK Title.
Bob: That sounds more like it, but first you've got Axel Van Osborne at Mayhem.
Liam looks up and grins.
Liam: Axel Van Who-gives-a-shit? Has that guy ever won, like ever? Look, I get what's goin' on, I lose to Scotty Adams so you try an get me back on track by givin' me Scotty lite. Just brutal. I'm comin' off losing a match I shoulda never lost and you give me the fuckin' Wish version of the exact same guy? Bullshit. I took Scotty lightly, but this guy I could take in my sleep. Now you got me standin' here in your office cuttin' a promo on the guy and for what? He's probably not gonna bother, and even if he did he's got no fucking clue what a promo is anyway. I'll tell ya all ya need to know about Mayhem. I'm gonna take that guy, beat his ass for about three minutes, beat him flatter than the day old bread in catering, then I'm gonna take this fucking rope and stretch his neck!
Bob grins, standing up from his desk and walking around to the side Liam is on.
Bob: Now that, my boy, is what I'm talking about. A bit of fire, a bit of desire in that belly. Something that Axel Van Fucknuts and every other shitty fucking do-nothing hire Netflix has thrust on me has none of.
He turns to the camera.
Bob: I'm sick and fucking tired of seeing people like you, Axel Van Osborne, in my company. For fucking months now I've been the Managing Director of IIW and I've managed in that time to direct Fuck All. Not only have I dealt with Netflix's appointed fuck-heads skimming money off the budget for months, not only have I had to deal with Osh Vaughan breaking into the building and stealing important documents and trying to steal back the company he lost fair and square, but I've also got to deal with the pair of them hiring fuckheads like you to purposefully tank the company so either one of them can take over. I'm sick and tired of this shit and I'm sick and tired of fuckers like YOU.
So you want to come into this company and what? Take over? You wouldn’t know how to run a fucking wrestling company if the Gold Dust Trio themselves wrote you a handbook about it and came back from the dead to place it in your anointed hands! You're a fucking character, that's all you ever were. You're not a wrestler, you're just trying to play one on TV all the while wishing you were on some other shitty show. You're an important “business man” but fucked if anyone has any idea what that business is, and that's all cause it doesn't exist! You're just a fucking hack trying to compete in a sport you never bothered to learn anything about.
You want to play generic bad guy businessman planning a hostile takeover? In case you haven't fucking noticed, I happen to be surrounded by the real fucking deal! Take fucking notes then get your skinny good for nothing ass of my wrestling program! And save us all the pain of whatever you call those attempts at a promo, we've all seen them and they suck. Where the fuck did you learn to promote anyhow? The after credit scene of some shitty CW show? God.
He steps in closer to the camera.
Bob: Welcome to promo school one-oh-one for you and every other chuckle-fuck that found themselves with and IIW contract who's worth less to this company than the paper it's written on. First off, nobody gives a SHIT about your life outside this business. Nobody. We don't care what you do every other day of your week, how much money you got, or how you got rejected by every drama school you applied to you backwards sissy. This is PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
Secondly, you're a “character” and everyone and their fucking mothers HATE that. Be a real fucking person you half-wit. Drop the bullshit like you and everyone else are trying to be Scorsese with those long, boring, pointless attempts at promos and learn what the fuck to actually do. No one gives a shit that you've got Marvel sized budgets and Michael Bay explosions. You dumbass, you don't even have the basics. People want to know specific things, those specific things are what sells that match to people watching, that's why it's called a promo... because it promotes your match, and if you can't mention that match then fuck off and die and get out of my company.
Those things you have to mention: Who your match is against, when that match takes place, where can the people see said match, and most importantly, why people should watch that match.
Liam steps ahead beside Bob so that they are both up in the camera.
Liam: See that's where I'm at a disadvantage this week, because Monday night on Mayhem, you and I aren't in a match, Axel, you're on the business end of a massacre. So it ain’t all that easy to sell people to buy tickets to the show or to tune in Live on Netflix because they're not gonna see some back and forth bell-to-bell action packed wrestling match. Both of us know you couldn't out wrestle a phone book, but what they are gonna see is a brutal bloody massacre where I beat your ass from pillar to post and back against and make an example out of you. Then when it's all said and done I'm going to slip this noose around your neck and hang you out to dry just like you deserve!
Bob: You're a waste of space and air time Axel, and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of everyone just like you. You've got no business being in the wrestling business, no desire to actual be in the wrestling business, no ability to be in the wrestling business, and no drive to ever succeed... at anything. So Monday night million of people all over the globe get to tune in live in every country that has Netflix to the unceremonious end of Axel Van Osborne in the wrestling business! There's your tag line, there's your selling point. If you needed a good reason to tune into Mayhem on Monday night, then you got it. The end of a man's career by the callous hands of wrestling's last real outlaw Liam Cain. Let it stand as a stark reminder that wrestling isn't just some pretty ballet show, every time you get in that ring you fight to survive, but more importantly let it serve as notice for one Russell Wayne, a new UK Champion is coming, and death is riding with him!
Fade.
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